RELATIONSHIPS 2004 - ARCHIVES


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January 02, 04
Question from Joy:

I just came across this website as I was working on an assignment for class. I'm glad I found it.
I am 25 years old and have been courting an amazing guy for about a year now.
We have expressed our desire to be married someday and are pretty much waiting until we are financially stable. Lately I have really been torn and confused about if this is the man I should marry. We are both Christians and committed
to our faith, which is key to our relationship. I have been worrying so much about this and it has consumed my thoughts. I feel like I am
thinking myself to death and making things so hard. I have shared my feelings and concerns with him and he has expressed his committed
to working it through. I guess I just need to make some sense of my emotions. I am realizing that these feelings are a pattern for me in
past relationships. I think that I tend to get very picky and find fault in things and focus on those faults which then leads me to doubt the
relationship. I tend to make relationships very difficult and can never just enjoy them. I am realizing more that it may be because
I am emotionally immature and looking for him to meet needs that maybe only God can meet. I do not want to lose him and I so
desperately want to know what I can do to sort this out and emotionally mature for his and my sake. I believe that God has brought
us together and I know that my boyfriend is worth figuring out where these patterns come from and how I can break them. I want
to know how to love him and how to change this unhealthy pattern of relating.

Answer:

Joy, there is a book on emotional intelligence that may be of help to you. You could also look at my new book on imagined
interactions available at amazon.com and read about how we keep conflict alive in our minds. Indeed, it is difficult to forgive and forget.
You appear to be perfectionist. There is a book dealing with spirituality and attraction called WHAT IF THE BUDDHA HAD DATED by Charlotte Kasl.
Following is a summary of different types of bonding. Commitment yourself to bond #7.

Ways We Bond and Are Attracted to Others

1. Physical/material--Looks, status, age, education, money --Guys think with 2 heads in the 20's, often the lower one. They are skirt chasers.
As psychologist Warren Farrell notes, men look at young women as sex objects. Women look at men as success or material objects. Women
marry up even filtering themselves out of the market. What happens when the looks fade? This is simply an IMAGE of another person.

2. Intellect-- Levels of intelligence, use of intelligence & wisdom. We use information & knowledge to impress people defend beliefs, win
points, & assert our power. We can have knowledge but lack wisdom. Knowledge is the information remembered from an experience. Wisdom
is the intuitive sorting of knowledge for the benefit of others.

3. Interests: Hobbies, work, leisure time

4. Values/lifestyle: Religion, attitudes, beliefs Values include qualities such as kindness, openness, honesty? What are your cherished values?
If you are interested in helping others and your partner isn't, how will that affect your daily conversations? Are the differences negotiable
or will one of you be forced to submerge your interests and sacrifice your dreams? Which partner will do the accommodating. These
may sound like boring thoughts when you're in love, but values run deep and don't change easily.

5. Psychological/emotional: Capacity to love, emotional maturity. Men are more emotionally immature compared to women because they've
been reinforced throughout life to consistently demonstrate only one emotion: anger. The 6 basic types of emotions are: happiness,
surprise, fear, disgust, sadness, & anger. Happiness is easiest to identify. Our psychological development reveals itself in our ability to
articulate & not to worry excessively about our partner's reactions to us. A psychological bond takes time to develop.

6. Creativity/Passion: Playfulness, talents, level of energy & joy. Creativity is the manifestation of our spirit coming through us. Whether
it's expressed by making love, playing an instrument, cooking a fish, arranging furniture, solving a problem or fixing something, creativity is
important. Two people join together for the delight of mutually creating something they couldn't do on their own.

7. Spirituality/Essence: Commitment to a path of integrity, truth, & service. The ability to flow from love. Conflict is embraced as something
to solve, not cause for attack. The goal is to return to unity, not to win. We become telepathic and antcipate what the other is thinking or
needing. The idea is to know ourselves, be transformed and affected by another person. Although we are committed to our own path, we
surrender to the relationship. In terms of essence, we see people as they are without projections.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

January 09, 2004
Question from:Kathy:
  I've been dating my boyfriend for the past six months. I am 30 and he is 23, and
we are also long distance. He loves my family and friends and spends a lot of time with them. But when we are alone together,
there is no kissing, hugging, or intimacy. In front of my friends he is very physical but alone there is nothing.
We even sleep butt to butt in the bedroom. This is causing a lot of tension and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is also what you would call very metrosexual.
What kind of issues am I facing here?
Answer:
   For our readers who don't know, a metrosexual is a clotheshorse wrapped around a dandy fused with a narcissist. Like soccer star David Beckham,
who has been known to paint his fingernails, the metrosexual is not afraid to embrace his feminine side. Why "metrosexual"?
The metro- (city) prefix indicates this man's purely urban lifestyle, while the -sexual suffix comes from "homosexual,"
meaning that this man, although he is usually straight, embodies the heightened aesthetic sense often associated with certain types of gay men.

  There, deep in the hair-care aisle, carefully selecting the product du jour, or in the salon having his nails buffed to the perfect shine while checking out the latest fashion magazines
-- it's not a bird, not a gay man, it's a metrosexual! And judging by the so-called popularity of the new TV program Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, many more once slovenly
men want to join the ranks of this new breed of Renaissance man.

  So what makes a metrosexual man? He's been defined as a straight, sensitive, well-educated, urban dweller who is in touch with his feminine side.
He may have a standing appointment for a weekly manicure, and he probably has his hair cared for by a stylist rather than a barber.
He loves to shop, he may wear jewelry, and his bathroom counter is most likely filled with male-targeted grooming products, including moisturizers
(and perhaps even a little makeup). He may work on his physique at a fitness club (not a gym) and his appearance probably gets him lots of attention -- and he's delighted by every stare.

Blurring Gender Lines

  Curiosity about metrosexuals climbed considerably in June when Euro RSCG Worldwide, a marketing
communications agency based in New York City and more than 200 other cities, explored the changing
face of American males in a report titled The Future of Men: USA. As part of this research, men ages
21 to 48 throughout the U.S. were surveyed on masculinity-related issues. The conclusions? According to the
report, there is "an emerging wave of men who chafe against the restrictions" of traditional male roles and
who "do what they want, buy what they want, enjoy what they want - regardless of whether some people might consider these things unmanly."

  The metrosexual male is more sensitive and in some ways more effeminate than his father probably was,
says Schuyler Brown, one of the architects of the study and associate director of strategic trendspotting
and research at Euro RSCG Worldwide. Metrosexuals are willing to push traditional gender boundaries that
define what's male and what's female, she adds, but they never feel that they are anything but "real men. " Yes, a little primping and pampering
were once considered solely female indulgences, but they are becoming much more permissible for men, too. He sounds self-absorbed with his own vanity.
Yet, his true, inner self sounds shallow. He puts on a show in front of your friends. He sees you as a platonic friend, not an intimate soulmate.
What topics do you discuss when alone and when in the company of friends?

  This reminds me of the song NOWHERE MAN by the Beatles:

Lennon sings:

-- He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere land

-- Making all his nowhere plans for nobody

-- Doesn't have a point of view, just sees what he wants to see

-- Nowhere man, can you see me at all?

Good luck and be resilient. You may keep him as a friend, but it does not sound that intimacy will grow.
See the archives on the 7 types of bonding and attraction. Posted Jan. 02,04

April 16, 2004
Question from: Discouraged:
  • Why is it that I can't commit to diets? I get my mindset and pumped up...but during the diet.
    I start thinking of other foods everytime. Ugh! What is wrong with me? Thank you..

    Answer
  • I run and have insulin-dependent diabetes. Therefore, I know about diets, having been on one all of my life.
    Dieting tends to make us focused on food at all times, so try occupying your mind with a variety of things. Read, or get active.
    One way to get your mind off of food is to walk or do any variety of exercises.
  • Dancing
  • bicycling
  • tai kwon do
    keep a variety of fruits for snacks, instead of junk food. Chewing sugar-free gum instead of snacking helps.
    The secret to dieting is limiting your portions, but keep it interesting by choosing a variety of foods.
    Good luck, keep your weight loss goal in focus
    April 23, 2004
    Question from: Janelle:
    Mark and I are in our mid 40's and have been dating for one year. We have a very mature, supportive and loving relationship and are both committed to a lifetime relationship [we are making plans to marry next year].
    Mark is a very warm, artistic, sensitive and intellectual individual who always considers my feelings. He feeds my soul and he let's me know that he loves and is committed to me completely.
    Over the past year we have loved, cried, etc and discussed and supported/agreed on how we will deal with differences in values, emotional insecurities [our triggers], approaches to spending earned money, etc and we both feel satisfied and complete in these areas.
    So here is my dilemma which Mark and I have discussed this evening which we left for further discussion and resolution for a later time.

    Mark lives in the downtown area and enjoys living in this environment [I find it congested]. He works in a job that has no human interaction and so likes heading out to local bar for a drink on a night off ever so often.
    I can understand him needing to connect to humans and making friends. I know Mark very well and I know that he will typically befriend females and this bothers me so I brought it up for discussion this evening. [he has not befriended a female since we met].
    My concern is on a broader basis because I know that Mark feels and enjoys female companionship more than males [Mark is more of a sensitive guy not really into sports, etc] which is a bonus for me because I love a man who can share his emotions.

    Mark jumped to a theoretical response about how unfair it was for me to request that he not have friendships with 50% of humanity [females].
    Please coach me in seeing what is unreasonable on my part and how I might have Mark see the fundamental differences in our beings and resolve this issue. Thank you.

    Answer:
    I teach a course in gender communication at LSU. I tell my students that one of the interesting things about sex is that in everyday life,
    we are always aware of our sex because throughout the course of a given day, the sexes tend not to meet in equal,
    50/50 numbers. One sex is often in a minority. According to classical research by Paul Secord and Marcia Guttentag on sex-ratio theory,
    people tend not to notice sex when the ratio is even. It takes a split of 53% to 47% where you are in the minority, that you start to notice that your sex is in the minority.
    Those whose sex in a given context is above 52% do not notice as much as those whose sex is below 48%.

    It could be argued that Mark is being somewhat selfish if he wants exclusive female companionship when he is at the bar alone.
    However, have you considered joining Mark on his visits to the bar, and meeting and joining in on the conversations with the other women?
    Does Mark invite you to go with him? I understand your insecurity, but if Mark invites you to go with him, wouldn't that indicate his faith and good intentions?

    I invite you and Mark go to the archives of this list and take some of the questions from The Seven Principles of Marriage by John Gottman.
    He also has a website at http://www.gottman.com in which you can take a few quizzes about marital compatibility.
    There are some quizzes in the archives of this column under the "Principles of Marriage."
    These are taken from John Gottman's work, who I studied under when we were both at the University of Illinois many years ago.

    Instead of going to a bar for a drink, there are many exciting things to do in the capital city.
    There is the Baton Rouge symphony, musical and band performances, dance classes for couples.
    What hobbies do you share? My wife and I like to bicycle, take long walks, garden, visit family members, to name just a few.
    Good luck and have a fruitful, sincere talk.