I have answered this question before. Indeed, a common theme in many of the questions concerns being "in love." I disdain the idea of being "in love" because one falls just as quickly out of love. Loving someone is very different from being in love. I want to mention again the 6 different types of love.

LUDUS Love -- This is game-playing love. Stupid statements such as "playing the field," "where are all the good men (women) out there" reflect this type of love style. This type of love is self-centered and destructive. A sample statement reflecting LUDUS love is, "I have sometimes had to keep my partner from finding out about other lovers." The fact there are other loves indicates this is not monogamous love. `This type of love is dishonest.

EROS love -- Hot, sexual passion. It is an intense love associated with spiritually, intellect, and sexuality. It's spontaneous, rapid, and intuitive. A sample statement reflecting EROS love is "My partner fits my ideal standards of physical beauty/handsomeness."

MANIA love -- This is a blend of eros and ludus. Manic lovers feels the passion and commitment of eros but play by the dishonest rules of ludus. The manic lover constantly needs reassurances of love. An example statement is, "When my partner doesn't pay attention to me, I feel sick all over."

STORGE love -- This is best-friends type of love. It's based on common interests, values, attitudes, and life goals. It grows out of initial friendship. A sample statement of refllecting STORGE love is "Our love relationship is the most satisfying because it developed from a good friendship." Research by John Gottman reveals that marriages that last and endure are individuals consider their spouse their best friend through thick and thin.

AGAPE love -- This is a blend of storge and eros. It is religious love that is unselfiish, generous, and willing to put their beloved's happiness ahead of their own. Jesus was the supreme prototype of the agape lover as was Gandi. AGAPE lovers do not expect reciprocity for their investments because loving another is its own reward. A sample statement reflecting this type of love is, "I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my partner achieve his/hers."

PRAGMA love -- This type of love blends the ludic and storgic love styles. PRAGMA lovers use conscious, even manipulative means to find a partner with whom they can develop a stable, endurring love. Pragmas are conscious of their own assets and liabilities, so they are realistic in the matches they seek. They are goal-oriented and have definitive criteria for love relationships such as religious affiliation, desirable career goals, and so forth. Yet, they may be seen as coldly practical. A sample statement reflecting PRAGMA love is, "One consideration in choosing a partner was how he/she would reflect on my career."

Ask yourself what types of loves are important to you. The worst type of love is ludus love. Mania love is not very healthy. AGAPE love is the best type of love because it combines storge and eros love without all of the selfishness and games of ludus love. Ideally, we all would seek agape love because it is based on respect, giving, spirituality, and physical passion. Yet, many fail to achieve it.

These types of love are personality issues to the extent that one person is constantly seeking one or two types of love. People can change the type of love they give. Stupid, young horny guys are primarily seeking sex, i.e., eros love. Emotionally mature fellows such as myself are seeking agape love which combines storge and eros love. Yet, this appears not be noticed, let alone understood.

John Lennon wrote a beautiful song that I end with called, All You Need Is Love. Jake, go and play the song.

The lyrics are:

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love
There's nothing you do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game (Game-playing love is bad)
It's easy, Nothing you can make that can't be made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time (Being you is what it's all about)

It's easy, all you need is love, All you need is love, All you need is love, love,
Love is all you need

All you need is love, all you need is love, all you need is love, love, love is all you need
There's nothing you can know that isn't known, nothing you can see that isn't shown
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be, It's easy
All you need is love, all you need is love, all you need is love, love, love is all you need

The words in bold are my comments about the lyrics. We need spiritual love, nothing less. With spiritual love, comes sensuous love and MUCH MORE. Mark my words.

He now understands why I disapproved of his behavior. He has ended things with the other girl and we have resumed our relationship. Can I really trust him this time, or is he just using me to mother him until he is strong enough to move on?

Trust is something that is earned and not given. He appears to use people and is needy. His history of binging on drugs, toys, etcetera also translates into binging on women. For example, he was on again, off again with the other woman. He tossed you aside to move in with his parents. When he moved in with his parents, I wonder if he asked his Dad if he ever break off the engagement to his Mother? Then this guy meets another girl. I am curious about the relationship between you and the other woman at the hospital. There's a lot of research on male and female jealousy. At a deep, subconscious level, it was inevitable that the two of you were being compared in a multitude of ways. That's precarious. It's interesting and "charming" that the other girl was at the hospital to offer support and sympathy only to be dumped later as well. I wrote last week about the 6 types of love. He has game-playing and mania love. Fleetwood Mac had a song called, Go Your Own Way. I would follow that advice unless you believe that he really has changed. Sometimes, serious accidents result in a change of personality.

The rock group, Kansas had a song called, Point of Know Return. They sing:

Today, I found a message floating in the sea from you to me
You wrote that when you could see it
You cried with fear that the point was near
Was it you that said, "How long to the point of know return?"

You are going to have to answer that question. I would be wary and prudent. You've been used before. He needs agape' or spiritual love. Easier said than done, but it may be possible. By the way, spiritual love often ends up being the most sensuous type of love.

You have made the first step by admitting your feelings of inadequacy. I have researched verbal aggression. This is associated with frustration and the inability to articulate what we are feeling. Verbally aggressive individuals feel intimidated by the verbal skills of other people. Hence, personal attacks, mockery, sarcasm, and derision are used as a type of emotional catharsis to momentarily make one feel better or superior. But then, we replay the mockery in our minds. I call this a retroactive imagined interaction. Conflict is kept alive in our minds.

You spoke of trust. I do not know what the source of the mistrust is. Once trust is violated, it is hard to have the commitment.

In order to get rid of the feelings and thoughts of ridicule, I would try a number of things. Think of your accomplishments and things you are good at. You mentioned that you feel she is more knowledgeable in most areas. Think of areas where you have lots of knowledge. Are these topics ever discussed with her?

Speak slower. When you are feeling tense, occasionally listen to some jazz or some type of soothing music that you like. Look to the future and do not dwell or ruminate on the past. I would consider keeping an electronic journal for a time period in which you can write down what you are feeling. You may feel stronger by focusing your thoughts in the journal and in no way feel that you are a bad person or personally challenged in anyway by having your own opinion regarding a particular subject or interest.

Should the relationship be restored? Can it be restored? What is the most appropriate way to handle the situation? On what grounds due either one of us in the relationship have to submit or withdraw.

The fact she is undergoing dialectical therapy is interesting. It depends on what her therapist is communicating to her. Dialectical therapy is designed to give individuals strategies for overcoming a variety of fears and phobias.

I sense that you really want her. Continue the e-mail correspondence. Send her some yellow flowers to signal friendship. She also fears abandonment. Attachment theory refers to this as "fearful-avoidance" in which others fear that loved ones will abandon them on a moment's notice. Conversely, "dismissive avoidance" is premised on the belief that no one needs relationships. Fearful avoidants have low self-esteem while dismissive avoidants have high self-esteem, but view others less positively than they view themselves.

You could also communicate to her that you were spending time with male friends and you have now gotten it out of your system. She needs to hear gradually that she is important to you; not to be abandoned. Unfortunately, her fear of abandonment may partially stem from her psychotropic condition in terms of mood-swings.

When I think about what you wrote, it makes me think of a song about emotions in relationships called "Happy Man" by the old group, CHICAGO.

Peter Cetera sings:

And for the first time in my life
I know what it's like to be a happy man
And for the first time in my life
You've given me something I can understand
Bein' a happy man.

Be with me now
Love me forever
Leavin' you lady
Was something that I shouldn't do
I've fallen in love with you.

It's a nice melody that may make you feel better as well in terms of music therapy.

I hope this helps.

She's not ready for sex. She said she won't be for a long time yet. But that didn't bother me and I told her that often. Would it have been better to just not see or talk to her for a few months? The trouble is, she is so stubborn, if she thinks I am hurt she would not consider going out with me again. What can I do?

She is 17 and is entering the discovery phase of her life. The "shadow" side of her personality is still searching for other experiences. If you really love her, you will have to back off. The relationship may not be mended. All interpersonal relationships consist of what is known as the autonomy-connection dialectic. One partner wants to be close and share things while the other desires distance and privacy. Hence, there are contradictory needs. Successful couples are able to time their contradictory needs and compromise on solving the opposite needs. The 7-year difference at this time is critical while it would not be a problem later on. I don't know how emotionally mature you or she is.

You feel rejected by her. If she knows you would take her back in a moment's notice, she could be using this as a type of power leverage and control over you. That's why you must back off. You say you both love each other. As I indicated a few weeks ago, there are 6 different types of love (see the archives). Recall that storge love is best-friends type of love based on common interests, values, attitudes, and life goals. It grows out of initial friendship. A sample statement of refllecting STORGE love is "Our relationship is the most satisfying because it developed from a good friendship." Perhaps, you can achieve this. Don't delude yourself. This girl is young and 17. She may have "oats to sew" at college. As Grand Funk sung in a song, "Bad Time" it's a bad time to be in love (perhaps for her going off to college at her age). Hopefully, you have sewn your oats.

Nurture her friendship and be patient. Maybe, it will grow and blossom as a flower.

Humans need to learn to love someone rather than falling in love. As quickly as you in love, you fall out. I discuss this in Chapter 1 and 6 of my book. Falling in love is referred to as "infatuation." It's the hot, passionate romantic love characteristic of young people. It lasts an average of 18 months and up to 3 years, then ceases because the brain's neurotransmitters have been habituated to the natural stimulants. As infatuation fades, the second stage of romantic love, attachment begins. This is characterized by feelings of safety, peace, and stability. Contentment characterizes this stage. The duration of attachment is not known. The third stage is detachment. The brain's receptor sites for the endorphins or other neurochemicals become further desensitized or overloaded. This sets up the mind for separation from the partner. With the expansion of the cerebral cortex over 1 million years ago, humans began to build on the core of primal cyclic emotions by adding other feelings, cultural rituals, and beliefs about attraction, attachment, and detachment. ALL OF THIS IS DISCUSSED in my book. Buy the book.

I play the drums in my band called Pepe'. The idea of falling in love is discussed in one of our signature songs, I'm In Love written by Dr. Fernando Figueroa, a brilliant professor of English composition. He is the lead singer, guitarist, and my soulbrother. He sings the following:

I'm In Love

Ever since you're in my life, I'm feeling rather strange
I take one look in your eyes I feel that something inside has changed
When you stand there looking at me my legs just turn to sand
My heart skips a beat I think I come to understand
I'm in love, I know I'll never be the same.

This feeling may not last forever
This feeling may not last a day
But what should I care, I only know that I'm in love.
I know I'll never be the same.
And though the future seems so unsure for us
I can only hope we will stay pure
If we only listen to our hearts
For I'm in love.

Note how Fernando discusses the physiology of love and that it may not last. That's because the brain neurotransmitters have become habituated. Yet, attachment could set in and last or it may not. LOVING SOMEONE IS DIFFERENT FROM FALLING IN LOVE.

My friends tell me to back off and leave him alone and give him time. Should I just forget this man ever existed? Should I take my friends advice and give him some space and time? The angry part of me wants to tell him how much he has hurt me. The part of me that has hope that he still cares is keeping me from telling him how I feel, for fear of losing him for certain. I'd appreciate any advice you have to offer. Thanks for your help.

I have been in your situation before. I wrote a song called Run To The Sun. The opening verse and chorus go:

I run down the trail just like a rail
Going on my way toward the sun
Going onward, looking forward
I set my own pace as I run

Chorus I look to the sun as I'm on the run
Been there done that
Now it's time to find the light
Find the light, hey find the light

The point of these lines is that I have been in your shoes. I loved a single mother and took care of her children but the love was not returned. It's called UNREQUITED LOVE. I still care for her, want only the best for her, but I've gone on. Finding the light is about going on. The fellow is what is known as a "dismissive avoidant." His wife committed infidelity and now he is SUPERDADDY. He feels self-reliant and that he can only depend on himself. Believe me, I know this very well. Dismissives have high levels of self-esteem, feel confident about themselves but are afraid to trust others and hence to get into long-term relationships. They do not want to get burned. Dismissive avoidants often feel a need to help others (e.g., his children) which in turn raises their own esteem.

Also, do not fall for anyone who has been divorced for less than a year. They need time to psychologically adjust. One stage of divorce that psychologist Steve Duck discusses is known as the psychic divorce in which ex-partners have to mentally readjust their own esteem and approach to life. Some never succeed in doing this. The psychic divorce has to do with emotional adjustment and recovery.

You feel anger toward him. Yet, we own our feelings. There is TONGLIN MEDITATION you can try. Tonglin is a form of meditation that helps us transform feelings of anger, fear, hurt, and sadness in ourselves and others. It helps us relax into our own pain and be present to the pain of others. The only way you can do this type of meditation is to breathe in the suffering, negativity, and pain of others and then exhale calmness, clarity, and joy. A practical way to do Tonglin is to do the following:

1. Drop down into a quiet place (e.g., my water fountain), let go of memories & feel the stillness that results.
2. Imagine your heart center becoming light, spacious, and free through mental imagery.
3. Think of a memory when someone was especially loving & kind to you, or a time when you felt great love in your heart.

If this seems like a lot to take on, simply do one step: When you feel hurt, confused, lonely or sad, breathe into your pain, feel it, be with it, then breathe out an image of clarity, light, and a blessing. Personally, I run and expend kinetic energy when I play the drums. I also do some Tonglin meditation. My spirit goes out to you. I know. Been there done that as I wrote in my song.

I know all couples have trouble communicating sometimes especially after the infatuation wares off. I had been considering marrying him, because I know he is a good man with a good heart, and he would be a good father as well. Right now I cannot live with him. We broke up two days ago after several weeks of tension building up. I do not know if I am making the biggest mistake of my life by letting him go. I do fear for both of our sanity if we stay together. What should I do? I am afraid if we stay apart, then the man I was interested in before will come back into my life, and change the situation even more. HELP ME DR. JIM!

I give communication workshops at the Catholic Life Center to engaged couples. I will be speaking there April 21st. I tell them that there are three opposing needs that make relationships incompatible: introversion-extraversion, one likes to argue while the other doesn't, and touch. You've got real problems if one is introverted while the other is extraverted. The first research project I ever conducted was at the University of Texas at Austin. I paired introverts with introverts, extraverts with extraverts, and a mixed pairing. Introverts paired together talk just as much as extraverts paired together because there is less conversational resistance. Unfortunately, the worst thing YOU CAN BE ON THIS PLANET IS AN INTROVERTED MAN because he is ignored at social gatherings. He is not approached. Conversely, an introverted woman in this society is approached and can say no. Loneliness is more of a problem for men than women because they don't have integrated social networks. Women have more "FRIENDS." Lonely men's friends are often Pierre Smirnov, Jack Daniels, and Hiram Walker (Think about it).

You have oats to sow and he doesn't. He's going to continue to be controlling and jealous. Loneliness is correlated with lack of self-esteem. While your love of art unites you, there may be other artists.

Isabella, it is time for you to really explore yourself. At this time, connecting to one person goes against your nature. You draw your energy from others. Being in a monogamous relationship at this time closes avenues of exploration to yourself and your life. Be careful about falling into another relationship right now to escape the issues you have to work on. Sooner or later you will have to work on these issues. At this time in your life, boyfriends may get in the way of self-discovery.

I am a drummer and so I leave you with some song lyrics by Linda Ronstadt from one of her greatest hits. The song is called "Different Drum." The lyrics aptly describe what you appear to be feeling. Take Linda's advice and listen to her song. It's called music therapy.

Different Drum

You and I travel to the beat of a different drum
Oh, can't you tell by the way I run
Everytime you make eyes at me wo oh
You cry and moan and say it work out
But honey child I've got my doubts
You can't see the forest for the trees

Oh! Don't get me wrong it's not that I'm knockin
It's just that I'm not in the market for a boy who wants to love only me
Yes and I ain't saying you ain't pretty
All I'm saying I'm not ready
For any person, place or thing
To try and pull the reins in on me

So goodbye, I'll be leavin' I see no sense
In this cryin' and grievin'
We'll both live a lot longer if you live without me.

According to social exchange theory, relationships are gratifying so long as the ratio of rewards to costs is high given what the comparison level and alternative is. You were used as a comparison alternative to the ex-girlfriend. He is into game-playing love with her. A colleague of mine has recommended to others that they burn old photos in order to feel a cleansing.

In order let go of the resentment, you can try Tonglin meditation as I mentioned two weeks ago. When you feel hurt, confused, lonely or sad, breathe into your pain, feel it, be with it, then breathe out an image of clarity, light, and a blessing.

It is a full moon on Friday night. I am going out with some male and female friends to play the drums under the full moon. This is a type of cleansing and catharsis as well. You already may listen to music. Listen to tonal, instrumental music or some artist that you like.

In an attempt to encourage you a little, following are some words on the "Power of Mind" by Drs. Frances Vaughan and Roger Walsh:

Listen in deep silence
Be very still and open your mind
Sink deep into the peace that waits for you
Beyond the frantic, riotous thoughts and sights
Of this insane world.

There is a place in you where there is peace
The mind that serves spirit is invulnerable.
Alone we can do nothing
But together our minds fuse into something
Whose power is far beyond
The power of its separate parts.

Some companies used to have nepotism laws. It's a problem if a couple starts dating and then something goes wrong. Also, the behaviors which by the way are called nonverbal immediacy behaviors (e.g., smiling, laughter, eye gaze) are the same behaviors that are referred to in terms of sexual harassment. For example, if an employee "flirts" with someone and the other person likes it; it is called "joking." If the other person disdains the flirter, it is called sexual harassment. In fact, a study was done in which individuals watched a man and woman at work. In one scenario, the viewers were told that the man and woman worked together, were single and available and liked each other. They were observed having coffee. There was gaze, smiling, laughter, and an occasional touch on the palm. In the other scenario, the viewers were told that the woman was fearful of the man because he could affect her job evaluations. She played along.

The viewers were to evaluate what the behaviors meant. In the first scenario, the behaviors meant attraction and liking. In the second scenario, the behaviors meant sexual harassment. The point is that the behaviors and individuals in the films were exactly identical. Intent is in the eye of the beholder. It is called the nonverbal, intent-impact model. YOU MUST BE VERY CAREFUL.

You need to find out if the fellow is married. Why are you so attracted to him compared to other people you work with? I need more information. Search within yourself. Is it physical lust or some other type of attraction? Indeed, there is task, social, and physical attraction. There is also spiritual attraction but that is at the bottom of many people's list. Spiritual attraction ends up encompassing the other types of attraction.

I wish I had attractive people of the opposite-sex asking me for coffee and lunch. Doesn't happen where I work.

I need more information. If he is about to break up, then you might go out with the fellow. If he is using you as a mechanism to end the relationship, then you are being used as a pawn. Is he someone of integrity? BUY MY BOOK. I discuss this situation in chapter 6 of my book. The grass is greener on the other side only till we find that there are indeed lots of weeds. Pursue your own interests and self-growth. Praise yourself.

At the heart of your question is really a question of being desired. This reminds me of the Freddie Mercury of the rock group, QUEEN. He sang, "Find me somebody to love, find me someone to love, oh find me." Yet, each of us is on a continual journey that involves finding ourselves. Many people are so unimaginative and fearful that they do not engage in self-analysis. You are worthy. I just wanted to tell you that because very few people receive many compliments. How many times have you been complimented in the last two days? If so, what was the nature of the compliment and how did you feel about it? Very few people simply say, "You are person of self-worth and integrity." You will do fine.

With the ascendance of women into higher education and careers, women do not need men for economic security. Psychologist Warren Farrell of the University of California, San Diego discusses how men were treated as "success objects" and women as "sex objects." Money is exchanged for sex. In fact, a recent study by William Cunningham and his colleagues at the University of Louisville contrasted women having to choose between two characteristics in terms of initial attraction to men. Women apparently value men with good personalities more than they value men with wealth even though wealthy is still sought. They found that women were more likely to report that they would have sexual intercourse with a nice, moral, wealthy man than with a nice, moral, middle-class man but would be unwilling to have sex with a man who was unfriendly and immoral regardless of his wealth. According to evolutionary theory, women should be more attracted to men who will provide resources such as long-term emotional and financial support, so an unfriendly and immoral man would be unacceptable.

I need to know what you look like. According to the matching hypothesis, men and women with similar looks develop relationships more quickly than those with dissimilar looks. Ideally, people would like to associate with people more attractive than they are, but realistically they recognize that physically attractive individuals are likely to have many options and be selective about whom they date. There is the stupid "hard-to-get" phenomen. People who play "hard-to-get" are seen as more attractive, particularly if they are easy for us to get but hard to get for others. Think of the sheer absurdity of this belief. However, the "hard-to-get" act backfires. People tend to shy away from individuals who are too selective because they do not want to waste their effort or they see selective people as too choosy. Thus, people may label someone who is much better looking than themselves as conceited and instead select a dating partner who is similar to themselves in terms of physical attractiveness. The matching hypothesis is based on the principle that people want to maximize the attractiveness of their partner by choosing someone who is as attractive as themselves while minimizing their chances for rejection by choosing someone who is unattainable.

Researchers have found that people often find fault with those whom they consider better than themselves in whatever quality or characteristic is being considered. This is done to protect their self-esteem from damage. For example, Juan might believe that the really good-looking girl in his class must be stuck up even though he has no evidence to back up his belief. Likewise, Monica might assume that a student who always does better than she does in school has no social life even though the "A" student may actually have a much more interesting social life than Monica. By making such favorable self-to-other comparisons, people can bolster their self-esteem. Downgrading highly attractive individuals is also related to the matching hypothesis in that people typically pursue those who are initially perceived as similar to as opposed to better than themselves.

Find someone with similar looks and interests. I know it's a cliché', but it's true.

Buy my book! I discuss this in Chapter 1 and 6 as well as many other intriguing things. I have answered this question before and it is in the archives along with other questions and answers. I cite the work of anthropologist Helen Fisher in my book. Falling in love is referred to as "infatuation." It's the hot, passionate romantic love characteristic of young people. It lasts an average of 18 months and up to 3 years, then ceases because the brain's neurotransmitters have been habituated to the natural stimulants. People fall out of love because the brain's neurons can not take the added stimulus. Persons become desensitized to the neural activity.

As infatuation fades, the second stage of romantic love, attachment begins. This is characterized by feelings of safety, peace, and stability. Contentment characterizes this stage. The duration of attachment is not known. The third stage is detachment. The brain's receptor sites for the endorphins or other neurochemicals become further desensitized or overloaded. This sets up the mind for separation from the partner. With the expansion of the cerebral cortex over 1 million years ago, humans began to build on the core of primal cyclic emotions by adding other feelings, cultural rituals, and beliefs about attraction, attachment, and detachment. This is discussed in my book.

I play the drums in my band called Pepe'. As noted below, we will be performing at Chelsea's Café and Daiquiri Bar on Wednesday, June 13th around 10 pm. The idea of falling in love is discussed in one of our songs, I'm In Love written by Dr. Fernando Figueroa, a brilliant professor of English composition. He is the lead singer, guitarist, and my soul-brother. He sings the following:

"I'm In Love"

Ever since you're in my life, I'm feeling rather strange
I take one look in your eyes I feel that something inside has changed
When you stand there looking at me my legs just turn to sand
My heart skips a beat I think I come to understand
I'm in love, I know I'll never be the same.

This feeling may not last forever
This feeling may not last a day
But what should I care, I only know that I'm in love.
I know I'll never be the same.
And though the future seems so unsure for us
I can only hope we will stay pure
If we only listen to our hearts
For I'm in love.

Note how Dr. Figueroa discusses the physiology of love and that it may not last. That's because the brain neurotransmitters have become habituated. Yet, attachment could set in and last or it may not.

Attachment is more likely when there are children. Around the world, childless couples tend to end it in the 4th year of marriage if they are in their 20's and 30's. That is because the biological clock is ticking and partners who can procreate are subconsciously sought. It may not be politically correct to say this, but the anthropological evidence in numerous cultures is very clear and persuasive.

On Wednesday, June 13th, Dr. Jim's band, Pepe' will perform at Chelsea's Café and Daiquiri Bar in Tigertown around 9:30 or 10 pm. They will play their own originals including I'm In Love and Beatles' music.

For our readers out there, let me define what a communal relationships is. This is where the needs of the partner are seen as just as important as the needs of the self. Self-sacrifice is a characteristic of this. Exchange relationships are based on social-exchange theory that says that relationships continue so long as the rewards outweigh the costs given what the comparison alternative is. Hence, a person will stay in a lousy marriage if the comparison alternatives are more costly such as having no alternative interests or even partners. The divorce is low in Alaska where the men outnumber the women 8:1.

Madonna sang about being a material girl while the Beatles sang that "money could not buy love." The preference for one type of relationship is more stable with increasing age. However, the evidence for American culture seems clear. Exchange relationships are initially sought. People are attracted to others who provide them rewards regardless of spiritually. What happens when the looks and health fades? People and relationships are discarded because this is a disposable society. Communality is more important in collectivistic cultures such as Korea and certain countries in the Pacific Rim. Of course, American culture is being transported around the world. Even respect for elders has decreased in Japan over the years.

Communal people are likely to disdain long, phone menus. You actually spend more time on the phone going through the maze of phone links and delays without talking to a live, human voice. When you measure communal and exchange relationship desires, do not use Clark's manipulations. Instead, use survey items that reflect personality dispositions (e.g., 1) I desire relationships in which I sacrifice my needs for the partner in order to make him/her happy. 3)If push came to shove, 2) I would put the needs of myself ahead of my partner. If push came to shove, I would put the needs of my partner ahead of me. 4) Commitment is only as good as momentary happiness.) Use 7-point Likert-type scales (1= Strongly Disagree, 7 = Strong Agree) as the responses to each item. Write numerous items for communality and exchange orientations noting that some items have to be reverse coded in order to create a compatible, additive scales. Compute the reliability coefficients. For example, item 2 above has to be reverse coded in order to be compatible with item 1 if you argue that items 1 and 2 added together reflect an index of communality. Item 4 reflects exchange.

I would take Clark's items and reword them to reflect personality dispositions.

The rules have changed. The reason the man doesn't call you is that he may be preoccupied with other things including himself. Dating is an old word. Now, people "see each other" as I discuss in my book. People spend time together. The term, "dating" is seen as formal and outdated.

Meeting people in Baton Rouge is tough because of the ingroup-outgroup syndrome where outsiders not from here such as myself are subconsciously reminded of that and there are few cultural attractions such as art galleries. There is a high turnover rate in certain industries and technological businesses here because professional people who move in from out-of-state experience culture shock and try to relocate to yet, another state. For example, one of the major chemical companies whose name I will not reveal routinely hires chemical and engineering graduates from Ivy-League schools and other prestigious universities. When they arrive, they are in a state of shock about the lifestyle and lack of awareness of other considerations such as educational obtainment, diversity, arts, and environmental sensitivity. You can try church. The research on meeting in chat rooms is replete with cases of lonely people masquerading as someone whom they are not. I directed a masters' thesis on that years ago and my student found that deception was a major problem with online relationships. Rotary clubs have opened their doors to women in recent years. When I lived in Santa Barbara, California a great place to meet men and women was walking and running on the Pacific Ocean. On Sunday afternoons, men gathered with their drums and we did drumming in the park. Some people brought their guitars. Music is the universal language. Unfortunately, there is no culture here for that sort of thing.

When we are attracted to someone as you were when you met this guy, we need to ask ourselves the following questions:

Am I attracted to this person out of an adult state, or a child state?
Am I attracted out of spirit or ego?
Am I operating from hormones or heart, instinct or wisdom, or a combination of these?

Kasl (1999) discusses how in our adult state we seek someone as a lover, helpmate, friend, and companion on the spiritual journery. In our child state, we want someone to rescue us, make us feel important, and provide security, comfort, or a sexual high.

Our thoughts, feelings, cells, hormones, glands, consciousness, tenderness, compassion, sexuality, and integrity are like the pieces of a kaleidoscope interacting with each other, creating the design of who we are and how we feel. The more they come together as an integrated whole, the more we can trust our attraction.

How do you really know? Has he ever told you that he loves you? According to the research of John Gottman of the University of Washington whom I studied under when I was working on my doctorate at the University of Illinois, the modern man will acknowledge his love. Words and actions are important. He also may be afraid of vulnerability to you. He may be stoic as well. Guys often think that actions mean "I love you" rather than saying it. They fear vulnerability and rejection by saying it. As men age, there is research on developmental communication across the lifespan that they may say it more often and mean it.

In December, I answered a question similar to this. In chapter 3 of my book, I discuss the similarities between passionate love and friendship love. One researcher that I cite asked individuals to recall important features of what constitutes love. The most common types of love were friendship, sexual, parental, sibling, passionate, and romantic love. The most common characteristics of love that I give in my book are CARING, SENSE OF HAPPINESS, DESIRE TO BE TOGETHER, FRIENDSHIP, and OPEN COMMUNICATION.

The timing of love declarations is intriguing. Often individuals, will drop hints or joke around in order to "test" the partner's reaction to the declaration of love. Most of the people that we encounter in love will not return love. This is known as "unrequited love." Once the love declaration is made, a person is vulnerable to rejection.

Unfortunately; some persons will say "I love you" in order to be physically intimate. Men have been accused of this ploy more often than women according to my students. You mentioned that he was not your type and that he didn't want someone whom complains about what he wants to do. This is the heart of the matter (no pun intended).

Knapp and Vangelisti (1996) discuss what happens when people say, "I love you." Some persons reciprocate which is nice. Yet, there is also a situation in which love is declared and the other responds with confusion.

Male: I love you.
Female: I do too. Now, I'm really confused though. I mean I feel close to you, but I've
always considered you a friend. I guess more than a friend now. I don't know

Consider this example:

Female: Do you still love me?
Male: Why do you ask?
Female: You haven't said it in a while.
Male: Of course I love you.
Female: I love you, too. I guess it just feels good to hear it once in a while.
Male: Yeah, Now that you mention it, does feel good!

Knapp and Vangelisti (1996) discuss how in troubled relationships, the "I love you" phrase is not enough to convince the other partner that he or she is loved. It is an empty phrase because "there have not been enough follow-up behaviors that specifically testify to the declaration of love" (p. 269).

Amy, the bottom line is to look at his actions and then ask yourself how often he tells you that he loves you. It could be that is not verbally disclosive which you desperately want. This is going to be a problem later on unless he starts to disclose. You want a person who verbalizes love, not someone who is noncommunicative about it.

Fighting is partly genetic. There are conflict-engagers versus conflict-avoiders. Psychologist John Gottman in his book Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail gives a few sample questions. Take the test. If you strongly disagree with the statement, check a "NO!" If you strongly agree with the statement, check a "YES!" If you neither agree or disagree, check the "?". Check along the scale, the extent of your agreement or disagreement.

1. During an argument, there is not much to be gained from figuring out what is happening on a psychological level.
NO!	No	no	?	yes	Yes	YES!
2. Many conflicts are solved just through the passing of time.
NO!	No	no	?	yes	Yes	YES!
3. When we have some difference of opinion we often just drop the topic.
NO!	No	no	?	yes	Yes	YES!
4. Thinking positively solves a lot of marital issues.
NO!	No	no	?	yes	Yes	YES!
5. There's not much to be gained by getting openly angry with my spouse.
NO!	No	no	?	yes	Yes	YES!

The more you check increasing values of "yes," the more you avoid arguments. Gottman notes that there are more problems in a marriage when a conflict-engager is married to a conflict-avoider.

In my book, which you should buy, I discuss how recurring conflict is a function of brain, neurotransmitter activity in which neurons are stimulated. For example, 50 to 80% of happiness and shyness is explained by genetic factors. The idea to be drawn from this research is support for the idea that there is a biological link to conflict. Other links are chemical dependency such as alcohol.

People who seem to fight for no reason also have difficulty in verbally articulating their feelings. As a result, they get frustrated and lash out.

Lennon and McCartney had a beautiful song that describes the futility of continuing to fight. Excerpts of the lyrics are below:

"We Can Work It Out"

Try to see it my way. Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?
When you see it your way, you run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.
You can get it wrong and still you think that's allright
We can work it out, we can work it out.
Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend.
We can work it out, we can work it out.

I've repeatedly said that "falling in love" is different from loving someone. Falling in love feels euphoric, but it also bears traits of depression--the inability to concentrate, eat, or sleep, being obsessive, not caring about your work and becoming reckless with responsibilities. When we "fall in love" and project the image of THE PERFECT ONE onto our new love interest, it implies that we are incomplete the way we are. WE ARE NEVER IN LOVE WITH ANYONE. WE'RE ONLY IN LOVE WITH OUR PREJUDICED AND HOPEFUL IDEA OF THAT PERSON. REMEMBER, WE SEE PEOPLE AND THINGS NOT AS THEY ARE, BUT AS WE ARE.

As I state in my book, COGNITION, COMMUNICATION, AND ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS, we fall in love with our prototype or expectation of a role; someone we think WILL fit the role that we desire from him or her. Then when the person doesn't fit the role. The opposite of love is FEAR, not hatred or anger. When we feel lovee are free of fear and when we feel fear, we are unable to love.

We can be afraid someone won't love us, and we can be afraid that someone will love us. If someone doesn't want to be with us, we fear we won't measure up, they'll leave, or we'll get bored.

You've answered your own question. Give him up. In the end, we really meet someone when we are ready even if one is living in the frozen tundra or in the swamps of Louisiana. I know.

In order to meet someone, you must first distill your own self. I recommend a couple of things. Buy my book and also get a book called AWARENESS by Anthony DeMello. It will encourage you and give you self-reliance.

He says he doesn't hold grudges, but he can't help but have the argument in the back of his mind. I told him every couple has disagreements from time to time and this doesn't necessarily mean we're going to argue 24/7. He understood and said he's really going to try. If it doesn't work, he'll always care for me. But if it gets back to the way it was, it'll be great. I'm willing to be the same, and I have been. But sometimes he has his moments since then. I don't understand. Thank you for your time and knowledge. God Bless!

In chapter 10 of my book, I discuss how conflict is kept alive in everyday life. We remember old fights in the back of our minds. Sometimes a song will bring up old memories of things sometimes better left unsaid. Emotional maturity must set in. For many men, this never sets in. You are both young. He may have oats to sew. Also, relationships are always changing organisms. I discuss this in my book in chapter 6. Interpersonal relationships are filled with contradictions such as the desire to be connected versus separate, the desire to be predictable versus novel, the desire to disclose oneself to another versus the desire to maintain one's private thoughts, the desire to share versus the desire to be independent. Contradictory needs in relationships are a fact of human existence. It's how we handle the variety of contradictions that distinguishes happy relationships from unhappy ones. Some people deny the contradictions and get angry and repressed. Some people talk about the contradictions and negotiate their interpersonal needs. Others compromise on some needs while not compromising on other needs. This is known as dialectical theory--how we handle opposing and contradictory needs in our relationships.

As the Beatles sang, "I SAY YES, YOU SAY NO. YOU SAY GOODBYE AND I SAY HELLO."

I've discussed attachment theory before. According to attachment theory, the way our parents treated us as infants has life-long effects on our adult relationships. A dismissive avoidant avoids close, interpersonal relationships and relies on his/her self-reliance for fear of being hurt. Dismissive avoidants have learned that they must go it alone because at a young age, they learned that "Mommy" or "Daddy" was undependable in showing love, care, and having the time to interact with them. Yet, dismissive avoidants have high self-esteem and have come to think less of others. They are saying, "I'm OK, You're Not OK."

Fearful avoidants feel they are unlovable. Their parents did not show much love when being brought up. They don't esteem themselves but think highly of others. They are saying, "I'm not OK, You're OK." Fearful avoidants want love relationships but are fearful that others aren't interested in them. Like dismissive avoidants, they are afraid of getting hurt. The dismissive avoidant avoids relationships while the fearful avoidant would like to be in a relationship but feel they are unworthy of one.

You said you think about this guy from class. This is called "intrusive thinking" in which you think about the other person quite a bit when outside of his/her physical presence. People who are "madly in love" report intrusive thinking, as much as 85% of their thoughts are concerned with thinking about the other person.

It sounds to me like you are afraid of really getting hurt and not willing to commit to anybody. Hence, you are between a dismissive and fearful avoidant.

This scenario makes me think of a song by Queen called, Somebody to Love.

Freddie Mercury sang the following:

Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Loard what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years believing in you
But I just can't get no relief Lord
Somebody, somebody, can anybody find me somebody to love?

First, we must learn to love ourselves before we can love others; and I am not referring to arrogance or putting ourselves on a pedestal. I mean being humble unto ourselves and our own faults. Frances Vaughan and Roger Walsh write the following about finding ourvelves in their book, Gifts From a Course in Miracles.

"The memory of God comes to the quiet mind.
It cannot come where there is conflict,
For a mind at war against itself
Remembers not eternal gentleness.

"You believe that without the ego,
All would be chaos.
Yet I assure you that without the ego,
All would be love."

Billy Joel sings in the song Piano Man about regular bar-patrons, They are sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better thank drinking alone. She controls this relationship. She knows that you deeply love her and will compromise on some issues. I discuss in my communication and relationships class what is known as equity theory. This theory says that individuals in a relationship report the highest level of happiness when the PROPORTION of their investments in the relationship is equal to the outcome. This is the equity norm and is more characteristic of developing relationships. By relational investments, I refer to time, energy, and "work" put into the relationship. For example, you may help her out when she needs a favor. The outcomes are rewards or pleasures derived from the relationship. For example, a common outcome in many relationships is the pleasure received from kissing. Yet, if one person has a high need for affection or passion and is always initiating the kiss, the person starts to make a mental note of the lack of reciprocity of initiating kissing or touching by his/her partner. This is inequitable.

John, you are really dealing with the perception of inequity. You feel that you are not being treated fairly. One way to establish equity is to communicate with her about the definition of equity. Another way is to ultimately terminate the relationship. Another way is to use what social psychologist Carol Rusbult refers to as the "neglect" strategy. You communicate with her, but then you strategically withdraw to show her that you are not that DEPENDENT on her. Believe me, she knows that you are very dependent on her.

One of my mentors, Dr. Mark Knapp of the University of Texas at Austin studies lying and deception. There are different types of deceptive acts including omissions (avoid telling the other what they are doing, white lies, half truths, exaggerations, fabrications, etcetera). I would need more information, but I am afraid that her lying is due to insecurity about something emanating from events in her past. She is likely to continue to this.

You are also undergoing what is known as cognitive dissonance as I discuss in my classes. You dislike her friends from the bars. She likes them. You could start to like them (which may be impossible) in order to alleviate the dissonance or you could change your opinion about your girlfriend.

I suspect that you have put up with an inequitable relationship because the comparison alternatives (e.g., being single, dating some other woman who isn't as similar) are low and hence, more costly. Some people stay in lousy relationships because the comparison alternative of being alone terrifies them.

You may have oats to sew. I discuss proximity theory in my communication and relationship class at LSU. We tend to be more attracted to people we regularly see. The internet and e-mail is one way to facilitate close interaction distance for those separated by miles. Yet, research has revealed that relationships where individuals are in close proximity are more likely to last than long-distance ones. Long-distance relationships are more likely to last when the distance is seen as a temporary obstacle as opposed to a permanent condition.

You could also see others at college. If they are not as rewarding as your current relationship, then it will endure the separation. It's not clear if the fellow is also going to the same college as you. If not, then the relationship is most likely over. You appear to already know your answer. See others at your new school. With the old fellow, two things will happen. Either, it will be "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "out of sight, out mind." Find someone who is spiritual and thinks with the upper head, not the bottom one.

Male sex-addicts do not change unless there are chemicals that are taken to control the addiction. There is a brilliant article in a psychology journal called Psychological Bulletin by Roy Baumeister on male and female sex drives. I've cited it before in this column. Baumeister (2001) reviews numerous studies in many journals indicating that male sexuality compared to female sexuality is relative constant and unchanging which suggests a powerful role for relatively rigid, inborn or genetic determinants. Baumeister writes, "Male sexuality is more determined by genetic factors, which in turn implies a greater role for sociocultural factors for females (p. 11)."

Studies in ethology and psychology reviewed by Baumeister indicated that males more than females engaged in various sexual perversions or variations. The experimental evidence on sexual imprinting in animals is consistent with the finding that men are sexually malleable (or flexible) during childhood and inflexible during adulthood. Early imprinting effects (e.g., being sexually molested) were strong and irreversible for males, but weak and reversible for females, indicating that male sexuality was less susceptible to environmental influences over time according to research by Kendrick and his associates (1998).

Baumeister writes, "male sexuality is relatively unresponsible to social and cultural influences during adulthood." Professional therapeutic treatment relies heavily on drugs or hormone treatments. Group counseling tends not to work because after the person quits going to the meetings, the addiction resurfaces. As you know, many sexual addiction groups are based on the famous 12-step program used by alcoholics anonymous. These groups provide a coping mechanism that helps so long as the meetings are attended. Yet, the recidivism rates can be high.

Addictions are often transferred. One addiction is substituted for something else. He will continue to have relapses unless he is on some medication or continues the group sessions. A number of medications have been tested including a variation of serotonin. This is premised on the belief that some addictions are manifestations of depression. Androgens have also been used.

The trust has been violated as you noted. Trust is something that is earned and not given. It is hard developing trust, but easy to destroy it. Consider finding an attorney and be ready to use the sexual addiction as grounds for divorce. You said he was putting roadblocks in the way of the divorce. I do not know if you are referring to legal barriers, psychological, or emotional. The behavior is going to continue unless there is constant vigilance on his part. That means taking medications and group counseling. Yet, there is often recycling to old patterns. The behavior is on, off, on, off, and so on in closed, repetitive loops.

This is absurd. You are being used by being a good Samaritan. The fellow needs to be referred to a shelter or seek a job from any of a number of social welfare agencies including the Catholic Life Center as one example or a church. Remember that Jesus once said, "Go and sin no more." Well, this fellow needs to empower himself through finding a job or getting job skills so he can be employed. You are being used. That's called GULLIBILITY. It's been said that "Nice guys finish last." Well, nice people are often swindled.

Is your relationship stronger than the intrusion from this man. Benjamin Franklin once said, "Fish and visitors stink in three days." This guy has no motivation to leave. Talk to your family and friends. You could consider talking to a minister or someone at your church if you attend one. If you and your husband fight over this fellow, your relationship is ephemeral.

I would read pages 502-503 of A Course In Miracles. The friend is not special. He is a user. Pursuit of specialness is always at the cost of peace. You are concerned with guilt. You need to be concerned with your own integrity and the integrity of the relationship with your husband. If you and your husband differ on this, then this is a serious incompatibility on the role of an individual in empowering and helping themselves to overcome barriers. This guy is being spoon-fed. It's time to get rid of the diapers. Empower yourself. You know what to do. Get the support of family and friends to carry on. That's why I reiterate to consider consulting with a minister who can also help the fellow to get on his feet. You know that 35 years of federal welfare payments to welfare recipients evolved into a system where the motivation to improve oneself was lacking. This guy has no motivation. He knows that you will not evict him. Call his bluff with the backing of friends and family.

What you are searching for is contained in the following song lyrics that I have cited before in this column because they are universal to many interpersonal needs; the affection need to love and be loved. The group QUEEN sang the following:

Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years believing in you
But I just can't get no relief Lord
Somebody, somebody, can anybody find me somebody to love?

You mentioned you were shy. You need to try to overcome this. Shy men are ignored at a party because no one initiates conversation. Shy women on the other hand, are more likely to be approached for conversation. Both men and women high in communication apprehension report this. It is worst to be a shy man than a shy woman.

You can contact Asian women through a variety of internet services such as love@aol.com. You can also teach English as a second language by volunteering at the Catholic Life Center. You can contact the International Students Association at LSU and see about being some type of volunteer assistant.

My issue is he asked me to marry him and he is purchasing a ring, which I will receive in November. His children and his ex-wife receives more than I will ever get from him. He constantly corrects me and I think it is because I am 46 and he is 56. His children are always around us when I go to see him. We have a long distance relationship. He lives in Boston. I live in New York. I don't see myself before his children if I marry him. He constantly says his lawyer is working everything out and I should leave it the lawyer's hands. He also wants to get a 3-bedroom apartment so when I finally move there, one room is for his son and the other is for my handicap sister of whom I care for. I don't know if I am doing the right thing about marrying him. His children are always asking for things and I hardly can get anything I want or need without either children issues arising. What should I do Dr. Jim?

Marriage is a legal institution that originally was designed for the economics of childrearing and parenting. Why do you want to get married unless you need his income to live on. If you are taking care of your own children and working, you are economically independent. You are the breadwinner. You don't need his income. Why does he want to marry you? Is for emotional support or disclosure, occasional sex, what? The fact his lawyer is working on prenuptial papers indicates his caution and perhaps, cynicism about property rights.

When you marry someone with children whom are a part of his/her daily life, you are marrying the family; not the single person. Why not continue the relationship you have? Unless you file a joint, income tax return, the economic need has not been demonstrated in what you have told me. Many men marry women to have a sex partner and procreate. This is particularly true for individuals in their 20's to mid-30's. Women used to marry men whom they saw would provide genetic materials for offspring. Women used to view men as success objects. Now, this is changing with economic empowerment. Simply marrying for companionship is not viable unless the economics of being married change. Even the state of Vermont allows same-sex unions to now receive some economic benefits that heterosexual, married couples only received.

Also, you have a long-distance relationship. Living in the same apartment requires different communication skills of compromise. Some individuals are better off only see each other occasionally rather than daily.

Also, you have only known this guy for 6 months. More time such as another 6 months should pass given the issues you have raised before considering marriage. For example, at age 56, does he subliminally expect you to be his caretaker if he gets ill or sick?

What values, hobbies, spiritual interests, personalities do both of you share? I also do not understand what you mean by saying that he "constantly corrects." Do you mean that he belittles you and makes you feel less competent or esteem? This sounds like a control issue. You also mentioned that you rarely see him alone. How do you get along with the children? If you don't like the children, cut to the chase, and end the relationship now. If you like the children and they also like you, that is another matter.

He has 4 dependents. Why would he want a fifth that includes you? Do not rush into anything. Take your time. You can purchase my book or get a book called, WHAT IF THE BUDDHA HAD DATED that discusses the 7 seven bases of attraction. It might bring you solace and comfort. Good luck.

I have discussed jealousy many times in this column. There is emotional and physical jealousy. Research by Leslie Baxter on "secret tests" indicates that women use the jealousy test to test the commitment of their boyfriends. What this means is that they talk about past relationships more than guys do. They will occasionally indicate that they are "hit on" in order to observe the reaction of the guy.

Also, you indicated that the fellow accuses of having a roving eye. I would need more information, but I surmise that he is less physically attractive than you are. The research on the matching hypothesis reveals that the less physically attractive person in a relationship feels more insecurity about his/her partners' options. Two persons of the same level of physical attractiveness report less jealousy and insecurity. The less physically attractive person in a relationship reports more insecurity, jealousy, attempts to control their partner, and so on.

Jealousy has been divided into three types: cognitive, emotional, and behavioral. Following are some sample questions to ask yourself about how you feel.

Cognitive Jealousy

How often do you have the following thoughts about your partner?

1. I suspect that X is secretly seeing someone else.
2. I am worried that someone else is trying to seduce my partner.
3. I think that X is secretly developing an intimate relationship with someone else.
4. I suspect that my partner may be attracted to someone else.

How would you emotionally react to the following situations?

1. Your partner comments to you how great looking someone else is.
2. X smiles in a very friendly manner to someone else.
3. X hugs and kisses someone else.
4. X works very closely with someone else at work.

How often do you engage in the following behaviors?

1. I look through my partner's drawers, handbag, or pockets.
2. I call my partner unexpectedly, just to see if he or she is there.
3. I question my partner about his/her whereabouts?
4. I join in whenever I see my partner talking to someone else.
5. I pay a surprise visit just to see who is with my partner.

RUN FOR YOU LIFE

I'd rather see you dead little girl than to be with another man.
You better keep your head little girl or I won't know where I am.
You better run for your life if you can little girl in the sand, little girl.
Catch you with another man, that's the end little girl.

I know that I'm wicked guy and I was born with a jealous mind.
And I can't spend my whole life trying just to make you toe the line.
You better run for your life if you can little girl....
Let this be a sermon I mean everything I've said.
Baby, I'm determined and I'd rather see you dead.

You better run for your life if you can little girl.
Hide your head in the sand little girl.

The lyrics are horrible. Yet, be careful. There are evil, ugly people out there who are jealous. Jealousy is related to low self-esteem, insecurity, and fear of failure. Good luck. You know what to do.

You show some wisdom in your question because you realize that you would feel the same way in terms of feeling insecurity, jealousy, and anxiety. When he makes comments about his past, the only thing you can ask is the WHY question which will elicit even more information. For example, why did you get inolved in that situation. Did you ever think about the consequences before?

Jenee, when you told your partner about things that you have done previously, what did he or she say? Ask yourself, what did you want them to say? People should be discriminating in what they disclose to intimates. If you tell them everything, you make yourself more vulnerable. The research on self-disclosure and relationship happiness reveals that more contentment with one's partner is associated with knowing when, how, and what to disclose. Timing is important as well. When, we discuss our past relationships with current partners, we are implicitly telling them that they are being compared in some fashion to the exes. This comparison may be favorable or unfavorable, i.e., such and such used to complain about not going out enough. Essentially, the person being told this is asked to do some self-comparisons.

So, who is right? Is a man capable of having a platonic, best friend relationship with a woman? Or, are women deluding themselves into thinking that male friends are all platonic, and mine and my friends' experiences are the exceptions? I mean, I have plenty of female friends, but I don't think I am unusual when I say that if given the choice, and knowing that there is absolutely no possibility of sex, I would rather just hang out with my male friends. And, furthermore, I think that women (despite the fact that they deny that a male "friend" could be interested in them sexually) instinctively know this, which is why they hold off on ever letting a guy know that they aren't attracted to him "that way" until there is no other recourse. Any thoughts?

Men are capable of having platonic, best friend relationships. However, they are often seeking or desiring physical intimacy. The Reeder article that you refer to is the JOURNAL OF SOCIAL AND PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS, Vol. 17, June 2000, pages 329-348. Reeder quotes a number of respondents in the study that paint a picture of men putting up with a friendship hoping that their "friend" partner will later desire romance. Yet, this doesn't happen. I discuss in my book the "window of opportunity." I firmly believe that for many young people in their 20s, when they meet someone, there is a period of about 6 weeks where the other person is subliminally being auditioned for a role. The role may be casual acquaintance, confidante, friend, someone to do a certain activity with (e.g., play tennis), or romantic lover. Once the person is cast into a given role such as a friend, it is very difficult to come out of the role and be cast into a new role. When this happens, this is what I call the "A-Ha" experience. It occasionally happens such as when a friend is now considered a lover after years of just being a friend. This tends to only happen during a crisis or critical moment and loss of a former lover. An example of a crisis would be a friend who takes care of another friend after the friend gets seriously ill and the friend now sees how the friend has nurturant qualities that until the crisis were not known.

Reeder discusses asymmetrical romantic attraction in which one person wants to be physically intimate while the other does not. Have you heard the following joke: A friend is a member of the opposite-sex friend in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes being physically intimate with him/her totally unappealing.

Reeder gives the following examples: Tim had at one time thought his relationship with Tammy would become romantic but in the interview he claimed, "Our relationship is kind of take it or leave it [now], to tell you the truth." Tammy agreed, "We're friends but we pretty much keep our distance now." What happens is that the pressure of one person wanting to make the friendship romantic often causes the friendship to become strained and less close. Robert explained that being romantically attracted to Millie without her returning the interest was taking its toll, "I shouldn't be spending so much time with her because I'm hurting myself by not looking for somebody else" (Reeder, 2000, p. 340).

Being friends is often a way of saying, "I don't want to be close to you. Get out of my life." This is especially true when relationships breakup. There is a lot of research on how being friends is difficult if not impossible, due to the memory of what things were like when it was a romantic bond. My colleague, Mark Knapp at the University of Texas at Austin discusses this in some of his research.

I will end by saying that research by John Gottman on married couples who have been married for a long time reveals that these spouses consider their partners to be their best friends. Friendship is necessary, but not sufficient for long-enduring intimacy to take place.

Your friend sounds emotionally immature. I recommend the book, EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE FOR HER. She is play mind games with the true boyfriend. Go back into the archives of this column where I discuss the 6 types of loves. Two of these types of love,ludus, and game playing love are bad. She is into game-playing love. She's going to continue to use him. He is too good for her. As far as the time element, that depends on the individuals. Yet, I agree with you that three years is quite a long time. She is simply emotionally immature based on the limited information that you have provided. I feel sorry for the true boyfriend. This needs to stop now.

Of course, he's lonely. Men are more lonely than women because they have not been socialized to express emotion. Men tend to self-disclose to women or Jack Daniels, Pierre Smirnoff, Gin Andtonic. A lot of men disclose to Budweiser. The point is that men's friendships are based on activities and doing things. Male loneliness is seen all the time in bars, strip clubs, and so on. There is an illusion of a momentary "relationship" by paying money for 5 minutes worth of attention that the guy thinks is very individualized and meaningful. Ultimately, it's an ILLUSION and all about control and alienation.

Most open relationships do not work. The research clearly reflects this in such journals as the JOURNAL OF SOCIAL AND PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS, JOURNAL OF PERSONALITY AND SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY, JOURNAL OF SEXUAL BEHAVIOR. Jealousy actually happens among swingers, particularly males who entice their female partners to be open with others. The male quickly learns how he is NOT needed for sexual activities.

There is also the difference between sexual and emotional infidelity. According to Shackleford and Buss (1997) in the PERSONALITY AND SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY BULLETIN in an article entitled, "Cues to Infidelity," emotional infidelity refers to emotional involvement with another person which leads one's partner to channel emotional resources such as romantic love, time, and attention" to someone else. For instance, people often feel left out when a good friend goes skiing with a group of coworkers. In this cases the friend has taken away valuable resources (such as time spent engaging in fun activities) and given them to other people. I quote Guerrero, Andersen, and Afifi (2001) on page 346 of their book CLOSE ENCOUNTERS. They state, "Studies have found that men show greater psychological and physiological distress when they imagine their partner engaging in sexual infidelity, whereas women display more distress when they imagine their partner engaging in emotional infidelity." Avoiding saying, "I love you" is a sign of emotional infidelity, forgetting special dates like birthdays, and lack of communication.

He calls you names because he is angry and frustrated. A possible solution is really to "close" the open relationship. Eventually, health issues and other variables will close the relationship whether you want to or not. Evolutionary biology has done this through a number of tactics including STDs, infections, and so on. There is no substitute for direct, tactile stimulation despite the preponderance of technology concerning various forms of sexual protection. Good luck.

I can't help wanting to be around him. It seems that all I do when we are together is bitch about him needing to change this or that. It all came to a head this weekend and we decided to stay clear of each other for 1 week and see if we miss each other or if things are the same. We both agree that we are very much in love but some things need to change. My question for you is do you think the separation test will work? What do you suggest? A little info we have never broken up in almost five years! Thanks, Scared.

The separation test will work if you have true friendship and romantic love. If not, then the separation is the first step toward dissolving the romance. There are 6 types of love that I have frequently written about. Friendship love is associated with romantic love. What do you want him to change? Does he want you to change? It could be that your interests and needs are growing apart as you mature. It sounds as if you want to sew some oats by seeing other people. This reflects social-exchange theory in which comparison alternatives are used to compare the current dating partner with other potential "eligibles." Sometimes, the grass is greener on the other side, while at other times, the grass on the other side is nothing but weeds, poison ivy, and filled with mosquitoes.

It's interesting that you point all that he needs to do the changing? What do you need to change, if anything? What do your friends tell you? Seek feedback from them. Good luck. I wish you the best.

Simply, I hate myself almost as much as I hate him for even considering continuing our marriage. How will he ever respect me for not tossing him out entirely? Won't my ability to maintain a commitment and willingness to save our marriage in the end cause him to despise me even more?

I grieve with you. As Jesus told the woman at the well, "Go and sin no more." I don't have enough information, but based on what you have written, your husband is insecure and uses infidelity as a way to treat an addictive personality. I would read Joe Pittman's book on infidelity. You have answered the question yourself. You need to bolster yourself. I would seek friends and counseling and consider tossing him aside. Your own integrity and dignity are at stake. He subliminally does not respect you and knows he can control you because of your willingness to turn the other cheek even though he seeks the cheek of the babysitter. The babysitter has no clue or integrity. Research does indicate that marriages that end when there has been an affair; that the other "man" or "woman" does not enter into a long-term stable relationship with the person that they cheated with. These relationships end also.

You need to work on gaining your own self-respect and dignity. Deep in your heart, you apparently know what to do.

I have discussed jealousy before. In fact in the archives of 8/23/01, I give a jealousy test designed to test three types of jealousy. Take these self-report tests. It appears that you have cognitive jealousy in which you suspect your husband is still attracted to the secretary. This may or may not be the case.

I would calmly ask your husband what he has recently dreamed about. Then you could tell him about the dream you had and observe his reaction to your self-disclosure. There must be a reason why the secretary refused his marriage proposal years ago. Do you know why? The answer to that question could be the beginning to finding your own security with him. What initially attracted the two of you together? Do you ever relive these experiences? Think about your own strength, resources, and fortitude as opposed to feelings of insecurity. Good luck as you traverse down the trail and the journey.

"The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned", but it's not like she was trying to get rid of me. Finally, to sum it up "What is going on?"

You answered this yourself. She thought this was going to be a get together with some "friends" and not a one-on-one interaction. One thing you could do is to go to the piano bar with your friends and invite her. Be sure your friends will be present. Tell the girl that your friends will be there this time. Then you observe the interaction between her and your friends and yourself. How does it go? You will be able to tell based on nonverbal cues if she is interested in you individually as opposed to just another "group member." Ask your friends what they think after the evening is over. Get their perception and feedback. Depending on what you observe, wait a few days and call her. Ask her out for a evening making clear that it will only be the two of you. Then you can find out about the status of her relationship with the police officer. If she is still seeing him, then tell her how you feel and that it is too painful to not be able to share more things with her. Be honest. You will to decide if you can only see her as a friend or if it will be too painful to see her as a friend but desiring romance. The research on male-female relationships and friendship by Reed in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reveals that more men have sexual desires or fantasies for a closer relationship with their so-called platonic friends while their female friends do not think about being romantically closer compared to the men.

Although women are often believed to be more romantically inclined than men, Steve Duck of the University of Iowa reviews research in a number of his books indicating that men score higher on measures of romanticism than women. They will say, "I love you" in order to get sex more than women. Women are more pragmatic and discriminating. Research by William Owen (1987) published in Women's Studies in Communication suggest 4 reasons why men say they are "in love" earlier than women.

1. It is a way to coerce commitment from women (Note, how women often complain that men do not commit, yet when the men do, they are committed according to Owen.)
2. Men are less able than women to withhold their expressions of love when they feel love,
3. Women are more capable of discriminating between love and other related emotions, and
4. Women wait until they hear the phrase from men because they interpret their role as waiting to react rather than saying "I love you."

It is now a week and two days later. I called him during the week last week, but stopped on Friday. He is angry that I called him last week, and has not called since we spoke on Friday. Please help me out - I feel like my life is on hold & I don't understand how he can do this to our 2½ year relationship.

My sentiments go out to you. The number one complaint that women have about their boyfriends is his failure to discuss issues as opposed to withdrawing in the heat of battle. Your boyfriend sounds immature and communicatively incompetent. He sounds insecure and childish. Recall, from the research of John Gottman that males withdraw in the heat of conflict with women. He stonewalls. 85% of stonewallers are male. When the woman stonewalls, the relationship is over. Apparently, he has an inability to communicate. You can do better. You need to be treated with respect, not contempt as we have discussed in class. Recall that contempt is a corrosive behavior that results in relationships falling apart. It is indicated by sarcasm, ridicule, rolling the eyes, and so on. Communication must occur during times of strife as well as the good times. THE COMMUNICATION IS THE RELATIONSHIP!!! Hang in there and be resilient.

Question from: Beth

Your boyfriend is suffering cognitive dissonance from two roles. The first role is that of a boyfriend (lover). The second role is that of aspiring to a stable career. It sounds like he is concerned with his career. Does he have career prospects in this area?

You can approach him by indicating that you understand the uncertainty and ambiguity that he is going through. Gottman refers to this as a "validation tactic." You indicate that you respect his opinions without putting him on the defensive. Ask him what his values and priorities are in a simple, nonaccusatory fashion. Are his priorities in conflict or can they be amicably resolved?

You should thank him for wearing the ring and encourage him. Mary Anne Fitzpatrick (1987) discusses three types of marriage: traditionals, independents, and separates. Traditionals are more likely to wear the wedding band. They share and communicate a lot, spend a lot of time together, the wife takes the husband's last name. They will argue over issues concerning the relationship.

Independents like to argue, even over trivial topics such as sporting events. They are not as psychologically close and have their private spaces. They are assertive in their interactions. Independents believe that a relationship should not constrain an individual's freedom in any way.

Separates are emotionally divorced. They are failed traditionals. They started out as traditionals, but then changed their beliefs over time. Separtes avoid conflict. They simultaneously support the values upheld by independents, yet they are conventional in marital issues. Separates may say one thing publicly while believing something else privately. There is little companionship and sharing in the marriage. They tend to have their private spaces and spend little time together. They are unassertive.

The traditionals report the highest level of marital happiness followed by the independents. The separates report the lowest level of marital happiness according to studies by Fitzpatrick and her associates.

You sound like a separate in that you desire bonding and sharing, yet you feel distant and believe you might be hurt in the future. Your husband sounds like a traditional. This makes you a mixed type in which one partner is of one marital type and the other partner is of a different type.

If he is attempting to show you affection that doesn't lead to sex and you desire this, you should encourage the continuance of that behavior in him. It sounds like as if you finally have accomplished in training him more to your desires. The only way to test this is to reciprocate and see if this favorable behavior continues.

Your question makes me think of a famous rock n' roll song in the sixties by Gary Lewis and the Playboys called This Diamond Ring. The complete lyrics are:

Who wants to buy this diamond ring
She took it off her finger now, it doesn't mean a thing
This diamond ring doesn't shine for me anymore
This diamond ring doesn't mean what it did before
So if you've got someone who's love is true
Let it shine for you.

This stone is genuine, like love should be
And if your baby's truer than my baby was to me
This diamond ring can be something beautiful
And this diamond ring can be dreams that are coming true
And then your heart won't have to break like mine did
If there's love behind it

This diamond ring can be something beautiful
And this diamond ring can be dreams that are coming true
And then your heart won't have to break like mine did
If there's love behind it

This diamond ring doesn't shine for me anymore
And this diamond ring doesn't mean what it did before
And if you've got someone who's love is true
Let it shine for you.

Play this classic song. The song sounds like what you are feeling. Yet, if your husband whose love is true like Gary sings about, then let the ring that you gave him "SHINE FOR YOU."

Finding happiness is a quest for you. It appears that you are not ready to settle down with one man now. I do not know your age, but your level of emotional maturity needs to develop. This is OK because everybody emotionally develops at different ages. You appear to looking for fun now as opposed to a continuous, serious commitment. There is an excellent book called Emotional Intelligence that describes emotional development -- or rather the utter lack of it -- among people. It seems like you are afraid to pass up the chance of a lifetime as you describe the fellow, but if you are not ready, you still won't be happy.

I discuss the 6 components of happiness in Box 4.1 on page 46 of my book. You might want to read the book. Chapter 4 deals with emotions and relationships.

You also mentioned that he compliments you so much. There is a classic article on compliments in the Journal Of Communication published in 1984, Volume 34, by my colleague, Dr. Mark Knapp of the University of Texas at Austin. The co-authors are Robert Hopper and Robert Bell.

People are most complimented on appearance, attire, and performance. According to Knapp and Vangelisti (1996), the most meaningful compliments focus on the whole person or the person's personality. What is the nature of his compliments? Impersonal or external compliments are less effective than compliments dealing with internal essence of a person's self-concept. For example, a person says, "That's a nice shirt you are wearing" is less personable and