This is pitiful. On the one hand, you apparently think more about your ex-friend than your wife. The research by John Gottman of the University of Washington indicates that marriages that last are ones in which individuals feel like they are best friends with their partners. Do "best friends" always sleep with their friend's wife? How absurd. Ask your friend. Ask your wife. If this is true, then you can arrange to be on the Jerry Springer show. Seriously, your definition of what constitutes "friendship" is amiss if you think that true friends would do this. Why don't the three of you get together and see what happens? Maybe you can three-way chemistry that backfires. This is absurd. Talk to your friend and wife. If this is true then this would have to stop, see a counselor, and tell your friend and wife to keep their pants zipped up. At the root of much infidelity is that emotional needs are not being met. Infidelity is simply the tip of the iceberg. Research shows that getting matched up permanently with someone whom you have committed infidelity with does not last. Infidelity tends to happen when there is lack of communication, lack of emotional support, lack of time spent together, and withholding of physical affection depending upon the touch needs of one's partner.

You rejected the first man. His self-esteem is hurt by the rejection. It's clear from your detailed description (some of which I've edited here) that you don't really love the guy because of your indecision and hesitancy in marrying him. You could still remain friends. There are 6 different types of love. You can have storge love which is best-friends type of love. It's based on common interests, values, attitudes, and life goals.

Stay away from the second fellow. He is obsessive-compulsive. The fact that he sent you a X-mas gift and e-mails means that he is controlling. He would commit infidelity. A person who commits infidelity violates TRUST. Put an e-mail block on his letters, use caller id to screen asinine calls.

A common theme in many of the questions concerns being "in love." I disdain the idea of being "in love" because one falls just as quickly out of love. Loving someone is very different from being in love. I want to mention again the 6 different types of love, Paula. You need to ask yourself which type of love do you have for the first boyfriend. I suspect that the love for second, obsessive-compulsive guy reflects LUDUS love which is short-term and disastrous.

LUDUS Love -- This is game-playing love. Stupid statements such as "playing the field," "where are all the good men (women) out there" reflect this type of love style. This type of love is self-centered and destructive. A sample statement reflecting LUDUS love is, "I have sometimes had to keep my partner from finding out about other lovers." The fact there are other loves indicates this is not monogamous love. `This type of love is dishonest.

EROS love -- Hot, sexual passion. It is an intense love associated with spiritually, intellect, and sexuality. It's spontaneous, rapid, and intuitive. A sample statement reflecting EROS love is "My partner fits my ideal standards of physical beauty/handsomeness."

MANIA love -- This is a blend of eros and ludus. Manic lovers feels the passion and commitment of eros but play by the dishonest rules of ludus. The manic lover constantly needs reassurances of love. An example statement is, "When my partner doesn't pay attention to me, I feel sick all over."

STORGE love -- This is best-friends type of love. It's based on common interests, values, attitudes, and life goals. It grows out of initial friendship. A sample statement of reflecting STORGE love is "Our love relationship is the most satisfying because it developed from a good friendship." Research by John Gottman reveals that marriages that last and endure are individuals consider their spouse their best friend through thick and thin.

AGAPE love -- This is a blend of storge and eros. It is religious love that is unselfiish, generous, and willing to put their beloved's happiness ahead of their own. Jesus was the supreme prototype of the agape lover as was Gandi. AGAPE lovers do not expect reciprocity for their investments because loving another is its own reward. A sample statement reflecting this type of love is, "I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my partner achieve his/hers."

PRAGMA love -- This type of love blends the ludic and storgic love styles. PRAGMA lovers use conscious, even manipulative means to find a partner with whom they can develop a stable, ndurring love. Pragmas are conscious of their own assets and liabilities, so they are realistic in the matches they seek. They are goal-oriented and have definitive criteria for love relationships such as religious affiliation, desirable career goals, and so forth. Yet, they may be seen as coldly practical. A sample statement reflecting PRAGMA love is, "One consideration in choosing a partner was how he/she would reflect on my career."

Ask yourself what types of loves are important to you. The worst type of love is ludus love. Mania love is not very healthy. AGAPE love is the best type of love because it combines storge and eros love without all of the selfishness and games of ludus love. Ideally, we all would seek agape love because it is based on respect, giving, spirituality, and physical passion. Yet, many fail to achieve it. Many people just use others.

Stay away from the second fellow. With the first first fellow, you might be able to establish storge love. Good luck.

I need more specific information on what the behaviors that constitute "craziness" are. For example, is she can't sleep, hears voices, goes on spending sprees, wears lots of makeup, has incoherent conversation, short attention span, then she might have a chemical imbalance such as bipolar illness or manic-depression which is caused by Gene 21. Yet, I need very detailed and specific information to give an opinion.

Are you the only one who feels that she is mentally unstable? Does her parents, friends, or other close people that you and her regularly see feel this way? The only thing you can do is pray, ask her to see a medical doctor, or perhaps a counselor at a church (if you go to one) who is trained as a clinical interventionist. What about her brothers or sisters? There are many questions here, but not enough specific information to offer specific advice. Certain types of MAOI inhibitors or drugs may help. Many people even use St. John's Wort as a natural herb to deal with depression.

I wish you luck. Be loving, caring, and prudent. There's an old saying, "Haste makes waste" as well as another one that is of the opposite leaning, "The early bird gets the worm." In other words, be loving, caring, and prudent. Think about where your heart is. Don't act out of anger, frustration, and control. Show sensitivity and nurturance without being used. Yet, this is the ideal and maybe hard to do in the course of the day in and out of life. Good luck.

No you aren't being too cautious at all. Secondly, don't give it a shot. You are being practical. There was a study done by my colleague at the University of Wisconsin, Jim Dillard, on this. That's why some companies have nepotism policies. Other office workers tend resent the relationship because there is rumor mongering, talking behind one's back, and fantasies. If you and your co-workers and do an excellent job, then there will be snickers that you are doing more than "task-oriented" talk at work. Dillard's research shows that the longer you stay at a company, the less likely you are to have a relationship at work. Also, if there are problems, then inevitably one person leaves the job and gets a new job at some other place.

You should not do this, particularly if the organization has no more than 20 people. Larger organizations are less conducive to forming romantic partnerships. My brother and sister-in-law met at work years ago in Sacramento, California. They then left the place they worked at and formed their own advertising company. She's a commercial artist and he is an account executive.

The worst thing with office romances that sour is that you can never go back to just being friends. Once a romantic relationship ends, there is always the memory of "intimate times." When people say, "We can be friends," that's a euphemism for, "The relationship is over and I don't want to see you again."

Most definitely yes. I discuss this in my book, COGNITION, COMMUNICATION, AND ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. A classic study in the Journal of Nonverbal Behavior showed that couples who had been married for 25 years physically resembled each other because the wife often buys colors that she likes for her husband and dresses similarly. Secondly, there is facial mimicry. For example, if you are married to someone who smiles in a certain way, then over time through behavioral observation and osmosis, you use your facial muscles to contort the face subliminally to mimic the smile of your spouse.

Take weight as an example. If one person is overweight and the other isn't, overtime, there is a slight convergence of weight. The overweight person sheds some fat while their partner starts eating bananas and gaining more weight. In speaking of her spouse at the time, a woman once told me that their bodies were sculpted together. What a sensuous and loving compliment!!!

Research also shows that physically dissimilar people in a given, relationship tend to have the relationship terminate while those who are more compatible have relationships that last longer. Think about it, when you see a slim, photogenic woman on the beach with a fat, old beer-bellied man, what do you say to yourself? It must be the money. (Of course, now with female economic empowerment, college education, and being CEO's of their own companies, the modern man in this millenium better start working out and being communicative and sensitive. If he doesn't, he will be extinct.) If or when they are having sex, she is thinking about the greenbacks, not the physical stimulation. He wants to look at her. She often closes her eyes and thinks about matters completely unrelated to the physical act, such as what she has to do tomorrow. It goes both ways. This may be blunt, but the research on this is very compelling in a number of journals.

Erica, if I asked your husband if a wine goblet were half full or half empthy, he would say, "half empty." I indicate in Chapter 4 of my book which is a chapter on emotions in romantic relationships that 50% of happiness is genetic. It sounds like he is a chronic complainer. On a sunny day, he would complain about the heat and ultraviolet rays. On a cloudy day, he would complain about the lack of sunshine. He needs to listen to John Denver's old classic song, "Sunshine" --Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy. Sunshine makes me free."

You could gently tell him that behind every gray cloud, there is often a silver lining. His negativism reflects insecurity, lack of faith, and fatalism. Actually, it sounds like he may be a little depressed. Ask him to describe someone whom he recently met at work such as a client or customer and ask him to describe just one thing that is POSITIVE about the client. Do this in order to understand his egocentricity.

If you really love him, tell him that you love him and that he has nothing to be insecure about. At the heart of this negativity is a basic insecurity that he has. He sounds like a preoccupied attachment in that he may be afraid of others. I bet he is jealous as well.

It's too bad that he fusses about your children. He is using what is known as "transference" in that he transfers his feelings of insecurity onto the children by making negative statements about them. He doesn't need to do this.

In order to concentrate on positive images, I would try the following though none may be effective, but it's worth a try and you have nothing to lose.

1. Exericse--I find running meditational and beneficial
2. Play classic, instrumental music in the background at your home when he is complaining. Play nice, soothing tranquil music such as Pachelbel's Canon or New Age music by George Winston, Yanni, Liz Story, or even jazz collections.
3. Laugh, tell jokes, even buy a joke book if necessary. Humor relieves some stress.
4. If all of this fails, then ask him "when new people meet you, do you think they find every little flaw in you. Why or why not. What justifies you to notice the flaws instead of the good things when meeting new people? Why do you do that. The Golden Rule says, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Think about it.

I hope this helps.

I discuss the emotions of relationships in Chapter 4 of my book. Unfortunately, both love and hate are intense emotions. To be an object of love or hate requires hate and some respect. In order for hate to be displayed, there is frustration at the loss of some aspect of ourselves that we consider important. For example, you may hate your boy or girlfriend for being unfaithful as well as scorn the third party because you feel deprived and violated. Hate is a strong word. Perhaps, your friend feels disdain. He might feel insecure, jealous at the time you spend with her, or any number of emotions.

It's not clear what your friend's opinion about this fellow is. Indeed, she may feel indifferent or apathetic. Hate requires a lot of wasted cognitive energy. Such energy may be better channeled into more productive activities.

According to attachment theory, the way our parents treated us infants has life-long effects on adult relationships. A dismissive avoidant avoids close, interpersonal relationships and relies on his/her self-reliance for fear of being hurt. Dismissive avoidants have learned that they must go it alone because at a young age, they learned that "Mommy" or "Daddy" was undependable in showing love, care, and having the time to interact with them. Yet, dismissive avoidants have high self-esteem and have come to think less of others. They are saying, "I'm OK, You're not OK."

Fearful avoidants feel they are unlovable. Their parents did not show much love when being brought up. They don't esteem themselves but think highly of others. They are saying, "I'm not OK, You're OK." Fearful avoidants want love relationships but are fearful that others aren't interested in them. Like dismissive avoidants, they are afraid of getting hurt. The dismissive avoidant avoids relationships while the fearful avoidant would like to be in a relationship but feel they are unworthy of one.

You said you think about this guy from last semester's class. This is called "intrusive thinking" in which you think about the other person quite a bit when outside of his/her physical presence. People who are "madly in love" report intrusive thinking, as much as 85% of their thoughts are concerned with thinking about the other person.

It sounds to me like you are afraid of really getting hurt and not willing to commit to anybody. Hence, you are between a dismissive and fearful avoidant.

This scenario makes me think of an old song by Queen called, Somebody to Love.

They sing the following:

Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Loard what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years believing in you
But I just can't get no relief Lord
Somebody, somebody, can anybody find me somebody to love?

Cathy, it is successful between two-thirds to three-fourths of the time depending on the internal motivation of the individuals. Communication is critical. Communicate your needs, desires, and wants with your partner. Ask him to do the same. Do not make each other feel vulnerable or "in-debted" for revealing vulnerabilities.

Counseling also may help. I would need to know more information, but have both of you agreed to see a counselor. The role of the counselor is NOT TO TAKE SIDES but help both of you as individuals and as a joint identity in terms of being a couple.

Some of my students have separated and REJUVENATED their relationship. I advise you to keep working on it if there is mutual desire. If it's one-way desire, the relationship will terminate. Keep working on it.

Suzanne, I grieve with you. Yet, I have a question, if he is the "love of your life," apparently you did not know this when you dated him in college. That relationship ended back then. Why? You also say that you can't have a life without him. Apparently, that is wrong for you have existed your entire life WITHOUT him. You may be in a mid-life crisis and not feeling love from your current husband. Can this be worked on? Why or why not?

It's revealing that you say that your current marriage is not "really bad." No marriage is perfect. Perhaps, you should tell your husband of your disenchantment without making him feel defensive in order to see if it can be rectified. I presume you have been married a long time. It's like a marathon race, you've invested a lot in your marriage and then to throw it away for somebody from a prior relationship in college that clearly did not last. If it didn't last then, what would make it last now?

Suzanne, the research is very clear on this. The best prediction of the future is past behavior. The other fellow and you are needy right now. Spirituality or communication may help you in your current marriage.

The fact that he so quickly asked you to spend the rest of your life with him paints a picture that he is co-dependent (CODA relationship as it is called).

I would think things through, play nice music when feeling depressed, work-out, and pray. In some small way, I hope some of this advice helps. I am a drummer and musician, your situation makes me think of John Lennon singing, "All You Need is Love." Love has to be worked at, nurtured, maintained, and COMMUNICATED about.

Good luck.

I feel your lament and grieve with you. I don't believe the feelings will pass. One of my hobbies is drumming (classic rock). I frequently cite song lyrics to summarize feelings. What you are feeling is beautifully song by Delores O'Riordan of the Cranberries. In this song, Delores raises her voice one octave late in the song and superbly sings what she's feeling. Following are the song lyrics:

RIDICULOUS THOUGHTS by the Cranberries

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (mumbling in pain)
Twister Oh, does anyone see through you, you're a twister, oh an animal
But you're happy now I didn't go along with you
So happy now, but you're going to have to hold on,
You're going to have to hold on, you're going to have to hold on, hold on, hold on
Or we're going to have to move on, move on.

I feel allright and I cried so hard
The ridiculous thoughts I feel allright
Twister, I shouldn't have twisted you twister
It's not going to happen no
You're not going to make fun of me, Happen no

But you're going to have to hold on, you're going to have to hold on
You're going to have to hold on, hold on, hold on
Or we're going to have to move on, we're going to have to move on
We're going to have to move on, move on, move on
I feel allright and I cried so hard, the ridiculous thoughts, I feel allright

I should have lied, but I cried so hard, the ridiculous thoughts
I should have lied, but you're gonna have to hold on,
You're gonna have to hold on, you're gonna have to hold on
But you're gonna have to hold on to me.

Play this song and it will soothe you because of the melody, the fantastic keyboards by O'Riordan, the bass guitar, and the drums.

You are staying together for the sake of your child. This is known in the research literature as a low quality, temporary stable marriage. I don't know if your child is a boy or girl and his/her age. The divorce will be painful for your child. Research by Alan Acock of Oregon State University reveals that the effects of divorce are harder on young boys than girls because the boys often have lost a male role-model and have more problems at school. Girls bond with their mothers and seem to adapt more flexibility at this age than boys do. Obviously, these are general findings and may or may not apply to you.

If you decide to move on, you must think about the effects on your child. I need more information. You are following social-exchange theory by looking at "comparison alternatives" such as someone else. You could make a list of the rewards and costs for you and your child of maintaining the lifeless marriage given what the comparison alternative including fear of the unknown is. For example, I don't know how much your standard of living will decrease, if there will be joint custody, visitation, etcetera.

The only advice I can offer given the limited information here is to pray, perhaps seek some type of counseling. Is your husband willing to reconcile the love. You say that you now trust him. Do you share anything? Do you communicate? How often do you copulate? Do you argue? If the answer to the first 3 questions is No and the answer to the last question is yes, then this marriage is already over in a communicative and psychological sense.

There are different types of divorce, one of which is only the legal divorce. There's also the psychic divorce in which the marriage is emotionally dead though persons are legally married. You are emotionally divorced.

It's too bad that in the immediate time period, you don't have time to exercise, meditate, or get involved in some type of therapeutic activity. I truly empathize with you. From what you have told me, these feelings are not likely to pass unless both of you "can work it out" as the Beatles sang about in one of their songs. If not, then Delores O'Riordan indicates what to do in her song lyrics. Persevere, seek the advice and counsel of family, friends, or others whose opinion you value and respect.

Husbands need TO LEARN HOW TO ACCEPT THE WIFES INFLUENCE or else the marriage ends in divorce. In his book, The Complete Book Of Guys, Dave Barry writes about the huge gap between men and women in terms of women knowing about relationships and men being ignorant about them. Barry recounts how every year he and his get together with some old friends. The wives immediately begin an intense catching-up conversation about their inner feelings. The husbands watch the playoffs. The men do get emotional at times--usually when deciding which kind of fat-ingested pizza to order.

Observe children at any playground you will see why tomorrow's women are more oriented toward discussing and understanding feelings than are men. When young boys play (usually run-and-chase games) their priority is the game itself, not their relationship with each other and their feelings. But for little girls, feelings are paramount. The plain truth is that "girlish" games offer far better preparation for marriage because they focus on relationships. As a general rule, boy's don't even include games with relationship themes in their repertoire. While no preschool dress-up corner would be complete without bridal costumes, you never see tuxedos for little pretend grooms.

The emotionally intelligent husband is the next step in social evolution according to the work of John Gottman (1999) at the University of Washington. The emotionally intelligent husband honors and respects his wife, he comes to understand her world and the world of his children. When he's watching the football game and she needs to talk, he'll turn off the TV and listen. He is choosing "us" over "me."

Gottman's research reveals that a husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an outstanding father. He is familiar with his children's world and knows all about their friends and their fears. Because he is not afraid of emotions, he teaches his children to respect their own feelings--and themselves. He turns off the football game for them, too, because he wants them to remember him as having had time for them.

The emotionally intelligent husband and father leads a meaningful and rich life. Having a happy family makes it possible for him to create and work effectively. Because he is so connected to his wife, she will come to him not only when she is troubled but when she is delighted. The people who matter most to him will care about him when he lives and mourn him when he dies.

As Neil Young sings in his famous classic song, Old Man,
Old man look at my life, I'm a lot like you were,
Love lost, such a cost, give me things that don't get lost,
Like a coin that won't get tossed,
Rolling home to you,
I need to someone to love me the whole day through,
Look at my eyes and you can tell that's true,
I've been first and last,
Look at how the times goes past,
But I'm all alone at last,
Rolling home to you...

Conversely, the intolerant, male-dominated husband is a sad story. He responds to the loss of male entitlement with righteous indignation or feels like an innocent victim. He may become authoritarian or withdraw into a lonely shell, protecting what little he has left. He does not give others very much honor and respect because he is engaged in a futile search for the honor and respect he thinks he is due. He will not accept his wife's influence because he fears any further loss of power. And because he will not accept influence he will not have very much influence. As Gottman notes, "the consequence is that no one will much care about him when he lives nor mourn him when he dies!"

The research is clear that the modern man, the emotionally intelligent husband is to embrace the change rather than to react with anger and hostility. The evidence is clear. Happy marriages are distinguished from unhappy marriages in the new millenium based on whether the husband is willing to accept influence from his wife. The new husband has learned that often in life he needs to yield in order to win. When you drive through any modern city, you encounter bottlenecks and barricades that block your rightful passage. You can take one of two approaches to these barricades. One is to stop, become righteously indignant and insist that the offending obstacle move. The other is to drive around it. The first approach will eventually earn you a heart attack. The second approach, which is "yielding to win," will get you home.

The emotionally intelligent husband is receptive to his wife's feelings, opinions, and influence. The emotionally ignorant husband ends up divorced, angry, alienated, and embittered. WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO BE?

I suggest trying yoga or some type of meditation in the short run. The research shows that new divorcees are not EMOTIONALLY open to new relationships. They may make repetitive mistakes. This woman is selfish and used you for sexual gratification, perhaps to make her feel worthy as a woman after a divorce such that other men are attracted to her. When one person loves another, but it is not reciprocated, it is technically called UNREQUITED LOVE. This is most characteristic of human life. As Art Garfunkel sang in his song, "Looking for the Right One, but has she found me." Some people search their entire lives only to never find it. Others have found it right under their noses without knowing it. All relationships are characterized by 3 fundamental contradictions according to dialectic theory: autonomy-connection, openness-closedness, novelty-predictability. This woman wanted autonomy while you desired connection.

Successful couples negotiate opposing needs at the different times. For example, you might be autonomous in some areas while desiring sharing, bonding, or connection in other areas. Hang in there. When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. I feel for you. I've been there.

The research is definitive on this one, men. There are two acrononyms describing men and women. For men, it is FILOS which stands for First In, Last Out. For women, it is LIFOS, which stands for Last In, First Out. The reason for this is that men are more romantic in terms of saying, "I love you" in order to spread the seed and get women to bed. Women have to be more cautious since evolution, because if they "make a mistake" such as getting pregnant, society holds her more accountable for raising the child as a single mother, she has to carry the child, nurse, clean, etcetera. Marrying an "unfit" man has historically been more detrimental for a woman rather than the reverse because of child-rearing. Ask single mothers this.

We live in a materialistic society. A major problem for individuals and couples is management of finances. Too busy trying to keep up with the Jones. The Beatles had an old classic song in which they were partially wrong. The name of the song is Can't Buy Me Love.

They sing,
I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright.
I'll get you anything my friend
If it makes you feel alright
'Cause I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love.

Unfortunately, money buys a sex partner but not committed, spiritual, enduring love. You have been exposed to the wrong type of people. Look what happened on the show, "Who wants to marry a millionaire." It was a fraud. Don't give up and be patient and motivated.

No, Sara. The 3-three year difference is miniscule. "Marrying up" is a term in which women traditionaly marry older men. Why? Because they reach puberty sooner than boys. Boys take longer to mature emotionally. An 18 year-old boy is only concerned with reliving his testerone problem. An 18-year old woman is thinking about other things.

In school women have more social friends among other females while boys friendships are defined in terms of activities or doing things; not in the communication.

Your 20-year old may be very mature for "boys" of his age. The great Irish Group had a classic album called "Boy." Bono sings about the problems of boys becoming mature men. I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "Real men keep their promises. They don't cheat." The same goes for "real women" of course.

I hope that the 20-year-old intellectually stimulates you, self-discloses, talks about a variety of topics, is not selfish and self-absorbed such that an enticing date is going to the "bar" or some outing. The communication is the relationship.

There is also a backlash when young women date real-old men or "sugar-daddy geysers" as I call them. Look at Celine Deion and her husband who is old enough to be her Dad. At Sullivan's you often will see stupid, rich old men in their 50's who are "emotionally challenged and immature" buying drinks for girls young enough to be their daughters. It's utterly ridiculous and people laugh at the site.

Emotional maturity is critical between a man and woman. If you and your boyfriend are emotionally compatible, then that is fantastic. My hat is off to you and I give you and yours, a nice drum roll.

Principle #1 Knowing each other's feelings

Many couples have only the sketchiest sense of the other's likes, dislikes, fears, stresses. The husband may love classic rock but his wife couldn't tell you why or who his favorite artist is. He doesn't remember the name of her friends or the co-worker she fears is constantly trying to undermine her. In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples remember the major events in each other's history & keep updating the information as the feelings of their spouse's world change.

1. Can you name two of your partner's closest friends?
2. What is your partner's fondest unrealized dream?
3. What kinds of books does your partner most like to read?
4. What turns your partner on sexually?
5. What was one of your partner's best childhood experiences?

Nurture your fondness & admiration for each other. You must retain a fundamental sense that the other was worthy of being respected and liked. Recount fond memories of what first attracted you to each other. 94% of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage's history are likely to have a happy future as well.

From the list below, circle three items that you think are characteristic of your partner. If you're having difficulty coming up with three, feel free to define the word characteristic very loosely. Even if you can recall only one instance when your partner displayed this characteristic, you can circle it.

Principle #3--Turn toward each other instead of away

Turn toward each other instead of away. A husband looks out a window and says, "Look at that boat." The wife peers over her magazine and says, "Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?" and the husband grunts. The husband and wife are connecting in this brief exchange. For couples who go on to divorce or live together unhappily, small moments of connection are rare. More often the wife doesn't even look up from her magazine and, if she does, her husband doesn't acknowledge what she says.

There is no answer key for these questions, they are merely a point of departure for discussion with your partner. There isn't one reality when a couple misses each other in little ways. There are two equally legitimate perspectives. Once you understand and acknowledge this, you'll find that reconnecting comes naturally.

During this week, I felt:

For those of you in a meaningful quality relationship, be thankful and nurture each other. I hope these principles provide an initial point of discussion. Next week, I will discuss additional principles.

Recall from last week's column that I presented three of the 7 principles of good marriage. These principles come from the work of John Gottman of the University of Washington. He has a new book called, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work filled with fun exercises. This week, I discuss principles 4 and 5. Next, principles 6 and 7 will be discussed.

Recall that the first 3 principles were:

1. Knowing each other's feelings
2. Nurture your fondness & admiration for each other
3. Turn toward each other instead of away

Principle #4

Let your partner influence you. When a man isn't willing to share power with his wife, there's an 81% that the marriage ends in divorce. In the most stable marriages, the husband treats his wife with respect and does not resist power sharing and decision making with her. When the couple disagrees, these husbands actively search for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way. More than 80% of the time, it's the wife who brings up sticky marital issues, while the husband withdraws. This is true in happy marriages as well.

Read each statement and circle T for "true" and F for "false"

1. I'm really interested in my partner's opinion on our basic issues. T F
2. I usually learn a lot from my partner even when we disagree. T F
3. I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. T F
4. My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. T F
5. I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this marriage. T F
6. My partner usually has good ideas. T F
7. I believe in lots of give and take in our discussions. T F

Principle #5

Solve your solvable problems. When arguing, soften your startup, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself (music is good) and each other, compromise and be tolerant of each other's faults by having good manners. Complain, don't criticize, and don't use nonverbal contemptuousness. Make statements that start with "I" instead of "You."

To get a sense of whether harsh startup is a problem in your marriage, answer the following questions. Read each statement and circle "T" for true and "F" for false.

1. My partner is often very critical of me. T F
2. I hate the way my partner raises an issue. T F
3. My partner criticizes my personality. T F
4. I think my partner can be totally irrational. T F
5. Issues get raised in an insulting manner. T F
6. I seem to always get blamed for issues. T F
7. My partner will at times complain in a smug or superior way. T F

Have fun and remember if you are in a quality relationship, be thankful and cherish each other. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Often, there are weeds and hard clay. Recall the classic song by the Beatles, Love Me Do. The lyrics say a lot about loving each other:

Love, love me do
You know I love you, I'll always be true
So please love me do.

Principle 6

Overcome gridlock. Move from gridlock to dialogue. Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren't being addressed or respected by each other. By dreams, I refer to the hopes, aspirations and wishes that give purpose and meaning to your life.

What our deepest dreams are made off -- sense of freedom, experience of peace, unity with nature, spiritual journey, justice, honor, unity with the past, having a sense of power, dealing with age, asking for forgiveness, sense of order, being able to truly relax, atonement, getting priorities in order, being able to compete and win or quietness. Following is a fun exericise:

Select from the following list three things you really appreciate about your spouse. (Of course you can add terms not on the list.) Then tell your spouse what these three things are. This can be as simple as a statement like "I really like the way you are sensitive to my moods."

Your Energy
Your Strength
The way you are commanding
The way you let me direct things
Your warmth
The way you touch me
How safe I feel with you
Your eyes
Your passion
Your humor
Your loyalty to me
What you are like as a friend
Your tenderness
Your enthusiasm
The way you let me be myself

The final principle is creating shared meaning. Marriage isn't just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making loveI. It also involves having a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together -- a culture rich with symbols and rituals and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become. Unfortunately, for some people their spiritituality is called materialism rather than introspection, intuition, and creating shared meaning with others. Principle 7

Create shared meaning

To explore with your spouse the meaning of goals in your individual lives and your marriage, ask yourselves the following questions:

1. Write a "mission statement" of what your mission in life is. Write your own obituary. What would you like it to say?
2. What is the role of spirituality in your lives? What was this role in your families growing up? How should this be in your family?
3. What are the truly important things in your life that are great sources of energy & pleasure that you really need to block out time for, the important things that keep getting postponed or crowded out?
4. How do you feel about your role as a husband or wife? What does this role mean to you in your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How are you similar and different? How would you like to change this role?
5. What symbols (such as photos or objects) show who we are in the world?
6. What in your life is symbolic of your philosophy of how to lead a meaningful, good life? For example, giving to charity, wearing a crucifix, or lighting a candle for dead ancestors may be symbolic of your sense of meaning. Do you feel that you are failing to do this to the degree you'd like?

If you've waited till 12, you may have waited too late. But then again, I don't know your circumstances. I would ask your son what he knows about sex. He probably knows many things from TV, the media, and overhearing discussions. You might brooch the topic with him and start out by letting him ask questions. On the other hand, if you sense that he is reticent, then discuss the biology followed by a discussion of passion. You need to tell him that a major problem is CHILDREN HAVING CHILDREN. Teenage pregnancies are rampant. Unfortunately, immaturity and not thinking of potential outcomes including STD's and pregnancy are associated with this.

Sex within a loving relationship is a wonderful thing, yet there are potential consequences. There are 6 types of love. One is passionate love which involves genital contact. You need to tell your son that some men view sex as a physical act and shamefully do not consider consequences since they don't get pregnant themselves. Women tend to view copulation as more of a sign of attachment, love, bonding, nurturance, sensuality, and and emotional release. Unfortunately, as Mick Jagger sang in one of his songs, "I will come to your emotional rescue" only meaning it as a inane line. Tell your son that the modern man views sexual intercourse as emotional attachment, passion, and attraction. Society is changing from the old patriarchal days of the male spreading the seed around with no consequences. John Gottman discusses this in his book, The 7 Principles of A Good Marriage.

One of the greatest discussions of the role of sex in a loving relationship is from the Song of the Solomon in the Old Testament. This book is very candid about male and female sexual attraction.

You've got a real problem in a relationship if one person is passionate, as I tend to be myself, and the other person is stoic or is rigid in terms of nonverbally communicating love. A critical dimension of interpersonal relationships is rigid-flexible. Rigidity is where a person has few ways of communicating love. Flexibility involves verbal messages of love as well as doing things that signal care and concern. I personally would give the woman I love some unannounced flowers, trinkets, write some poetry to encourage or inspire her, buy her some candles and soap bubbles for a relaxing bath.

It sounds like he is more unemotional and rigid than you. You have a high need for affection. A problem with saying, "I love you" constantly is that the words becoming desensitized and ritualistic. It becomes expected, but may lose some of its emotional attachment. He needs to say "I love you" at this stage in your relational development as well as nonverbally communicating this.

You could continue to try and tell him what you want and it may "rub off" on you (pun intended). Then maybe, he won't. The problem is that once you tell someone to be spontaneous, then the sheer statement destroys the spontaneity.

You have a high inclusion and affection need. His interpersonal needs may be lower. I hope it works out. Too bad he doesn't leave little "post-it notes" occasionally saying how much he loves you. If money is tight, he could even buy you a plastic rose from Hobby Lobby and give it you saying, "The rose symbolizes my love for you. Real roses die, but this rose will not fade or die."

I leave you with some great lyrics by the Beatles from a song called, From Me To You. Their lyrics symbolize the need to nonverbally communicate love:

If there's anything that you want,
If there's anything I can do,
Just call on me
And I'll send it along
With love from me to you.

I got arms that long to hold you,
I got lips that long to kiss you and keep you satisfied

If there's anything that you want,
If there's anything I can do,
Just call on me
And I'll send it along with love

I am a nice guy, yet I am single. According to research discussed in Chapter 7 of my upcoming book, Cognition, Communication, and Romantic Relationships, women desire men whom self-disclose. A number of whom call me all the time as a phone voice because they want someone who will simply listen while they moan about how overburdened they are with problems. They want their independence, yet often a SOUNDBOARD. I hear my male students all the time saying, "Nice guys finish last and disclosure is not really rewarded. You are allowed to cry for 2 minutes and then told to get a grip." I asked the following question on a recent test in my spring class on communication and relationships at LSU. How do men and women disclose? Are the men right? Why or why not?

Following is an answer from one of my students.

She wrote:

"I hear my male friends complaining of this often. Women are looking for someone to listen and men are often looking for someone to advise. Therefore, if a woman discloses and the man advises instead of simply listening, then he may turn her off in the future from disclosing. IT IS A DOUBLE STANDARD IN A WAY. Women want a man whom will disclose, yet she still wants him to be strong and supportive. It is hard for many men to find that balance. If a man discloses too early in the development of romance, he has shown his vulnerability.

"Furthermore, I believe that women want a man who will disclose only after they have been through their "bad-boy phase." I think that women need to see that an insensitive man is only good for games; not a relationship. I'm not saying that it's right for girls to do that, just that they normally do. So to answer the question of whether the guys are right or wrong, here is my conclusion: I think that if a girl is ready for a relationship, then she appreciates a man who self-discloses like yourself and is nice. There not a lot of available women in Baton Rouge for a PhD like yourself who is sensitive. I am so sorry for you. It's like many young women have to learn how a guy should not be in a relationship ("bad boy") to appreciate a guy who can maintain a relationship.

"Indeed, nice guys finish last. They are often used. It goes the other way around as well."

Self-disclosure is a BOUTING BEHAVIOR. What this means is that it infrequently occurs, but when it does it occurs in short, quick bouts. For example, a person opens up about a problem that he or she is having.

It is very difficult to answer this Janis because you haven't given me enough information about the nature of the obsessive-compulsive desire. I don't know what you are obsessive about. It could be anything. If you desire the man then say you are happily-married, this is a double-bind situation in which you may have a Freudian death wish to destroy your marriage and PUNISH yourself by committing infidelity. Relationships with the infidel tend not to last. How can you ever trust yourself or the other person? History may repeat itself.

If you truly want to do the right thing, I would consider talking to a counselor. I would pray and also consider some type of outlet release such as exercise, listening to classical music (which I do by the way). Have you talked about this with your husband? What would be his reaction.

I don't know if the nature of the obsession has to do with a chemical imbalance that may require some psychotropic medication to affect the brain's neurotransmitters.

In terms of dealing with obsessions, there is a term in psychology called the "transference." This means transferring feelings and desires from source to another. Healthy transference occurs when the obsessive urge is channeled or transformed into an outlet. For some people, one addiction is substituted with another.

What are healthy things that you like to do? You could consider channeling energy into pursuits such as these. For example, some people are obsessed with work or even helping others such that others may feel they are being controlled.

Do not destroy your marriage or yourself. You need to put your husband first since you said you were happily married and forget the other man. Remember the story of Pandora's box or Midas.

As George Harrison sang in a song called, "THINK FOR YOURSELF"

George sang:

The future still looks good and you've got time to rectify
All the things that you should

Good luck and persevere. Have faith. You can overcome this if you want to.

Glad you like the web page and hope you like some of the song lyrics I cite to reinforce human feelings.

Some people violate the personal space of others that is referred to as proxemics. Personal space exists from 0-18 inches according to anthropologist, Edward Hall. This is the average "territorial bubble" that only those whom we are attracted to are allowed in. The average distance between speakers in a one on one conversation is 2-3 feet depending on the situation and design of seats.

Persons who invade others' territorial bubbles attempt to show dominance and control. I don't know if this individual does this only to you or others as well. This reminds of the lyrics by Sting and the old rock group The Police in a song called, Don't Stand So Close to Me.

You can try a number of things. First, back away. If he stills continue to invade, politely ask him not to stand so close and to quit touching you. Another option is to back away and slowly keep moving around. If he asks why you move around, then you tell him about territorial invasion. Another tactic that is more risky is to respond by being intrusive as well. Confront the invasion by sticking your face one inch away from his, talk loud, and touch him on the shoulder with your forefinger. He may back off or blow up. If he blows up, tell him about invading your own space.

He may have to be informed that everyone has his/her own personal space. There are cultural variations on the perimeter of the territorial bubble. Americans use more space than some Arabic cultures for example. Tell him to stand back. If he continues to get right up in your face, then you could bring some garlic, put it in your mouth and when his face is in yours, exhale continually.

This fellow sounds belligerent and is an intimidator. Sometimes, intimidation can only be dealt with by intimidating yourself. Good luck

I need more information. However, my heart goes out to you. Your affection need is not being satisfied. All humans have interpersonal needs of inclusion, control, and affection. I can only speculate based on what you have briefly revealed. Because of his own insecurities, he views women as sex objects. It would be best if you could move out and pursue a new life. You are being used for satisfaction of his other needs, I can only guess, such as preparing food or cleaning up after him. He is self-indulgent.

He lives in a fantasy world. You need to find someone who is attracted to you, warm, caring, nice, and affectionate. There is also mental affection or what I call NONSEXUAL AFFECTION. You can be affectionate through listening, communication, doing little things for another to show them that you spiritually care for them. REMEMBER THIS FORMULA:

Open communication means simply listening to your partner without giving them problem-solving advice. A great deal of the time, we simply want someone to act as a sounding board whom we can disclose to and get things off our chest. Some problem-solving can actually be an insult because it nonverbally says, "You are incompetent. I would solve the problem doing this. Get a grip and quit complaining."

Long-term sexual intimacy is the result of security, trust, and care with one's partner. The fact he has no answer reveals his own insecurity. For all I know, there could be problems emanating back to experiences in his childhood. You need to fine someone whom will be affectionate to you. I wish you the best. John Cougar Mellenkamp had a song called, I Need a Lover which echoes what you are not receiving. Good luck.

First, there are three types of attraction: task, social, and physical. Task attraction is when we admire someone because they are competent at some task. We are attracted to LSU baseball Coach Skip Bertmann because he is a proven winner in baseball. Social attraction concerns the ability to get along with others, be humorous, and attentive. Physical attraction needs no explanation. A joke that has been told is that an opposite-sex friend is someone who has task or social attraction but you are not physically attracted to.

I discuss in Chapter 1 of my book, COGNITION, COMMUNICATION, AND ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS, the idea of fatal attractions by sociologist, Diane Felmlee. These are the qualities that attract two individuals that sometimes become complaints if the relationship starts to sour.. "At first, I thought he was carefree and laid-back. Now, he is indecisive and irresponsible." The following table is in Chapter 1 of my book:

Initial Attribute of Attraction	Evolved Complaint
1. Direct; intelligent	Unfairly critical; given to outbursts
2. Handsome or beautiful	Vain
3. Easy going; laid-back	Self-absorbed and indulgent
4. Independent; strong	Has to have own way; selfish
5. Self-confident	Doesn't respect my wishes and withholds
6. Prudent, wise, and practical	Calm demeanor drives me nuts
7. Masculine; strong	Abusive; we fight
8. Feminine; warm	Hysterical; we fight
9. Good listener	Doesn't have own opinion
10. Exciting and likes to talk	Restless and doesn't let me relax
11. I am the center of his world	Despicably insecure
12. Open-minded & accepting	Doesn't give without being asked; no initiation
13. There's a mystery about her/him	No true intimacy; not completely there
14. Very smart & capable	Makes me feel stupid and incompetent

Carly Simon had a classic song called, You're So Vain in which she sings about how initial physical attraction turns into vanity.

Fatal attractions often come from unfulfilled needs while growing up in our families. For example, an unloving mother may result in reinventing the wheel in which a man is attracted to a woman who is "cold as ice" as the musical group, Foreigner used to sing about. Initially, the cold woman was seen as independent.

Next, week I will have another table that lists the 27 most common topics that men and women fight about in marriage and in long-term, heterosexual close relationships. You keep conflict alive in your mind and remarked how you argue about the same things over and over. I am a drummer and love the Beatles music. Lennon and McCartney had a song called, Two Of Us in which they sing about repetitiveness.

The Beatles sing:

You and me Sunday driving, not arriving
You and me burning matches lifting latches
You and me chasing paper getting nowhere
We're going home over that road that stretches out ahead.

The point about the song is the people traveling on a journey, yet not arriving anywhere. It is repetitious and tedious. I just wrote a chapter about how music, movies, people, events remind us of old arguments from loved ones that never get resolved. I know a famous actress from Hollywood that still remembers how her ex-husband criticized her when she was pregnant by putting her down. She remembers this, 30 years after the fact!

Heidi, a few weeks ago, I had a series of three columns on the seven principles for a good marriage. Please consult the archives and access the columns for April 7th, April 28th, and May 12th. If you desire, send another e-mail to me at this site with your personal e-mail address and I will send you the complete 7 principles in one mailing. I sometimes use them as a handout at the Life Choice Weekend at the Catholic Life Center for the engaged couples I counsel.

The way to get to the root of your problems lies in the seven principles. I am using a book in my marital and family communication class at LSU this fall by John Gottman called, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. You can get it at Books A Million. The book contains fun exercises that you and your fiancee can fill out. I would also go to this website, www.keirsey.com and take a popular version of the Myers-Brigg to see if you are compatible.

As I indicated above, I conduct workshops for engaged couples. I always tell them that you have a real serious problem if one person likes to talk and argue and the other avoids conflict, hoping it will go away. I don't know what your family of origin was like in terms of expressing affection, compliments, and arguing. Some families are quiet while others are full of chaos.

Following is a partial reprint of some of the exercise items referring to the principles of marriage I discussed. Both of you can fill this out. Sample exercise items are in the archives as indicated for all of the seven principles.

During this week, I felt:

1. Defensive	__ A Great Deal	__ Definitely	__ A Little	__ Not at all
2. Hurt	__ A Great Deal	__ Definitely	__ A Little	__ Not at all
3. Angry	__ A Great Deal	__ Definitely	__ A Little	__ Not at all
4. Sad	__ A Great Deal	__ Definitely	__ A Little	__ Not at all
5. Criticized	__ A Great Deal	__ Definitely	__ A Little	__ Not at all
6. Righteously indignant	__ A Great Deal	__ Definitely	__ A Little	__ Not at all
7. Lonely	__ A Great Deal	__ Definitely	__ A Little	__ Not at all

Heidi, I recommend John Gottman's book. It's easy to read, fun, and informative. If your fiancee is uninterested in reading it or taking some of the quizzes, then you should end it right now because he would not be valuing you. On the other hand, for all I know he may wholeheartedly look at the book with you.

There are 6 underlying dimensions: interpersonal sharing, repetitive activities, financial management, sexual compatibility, fidelity, and rules for conflict resolution. I have found that the use of drugs and alcohol is also related to a person cheating or being unfaithful to his or her partner. Think about it, at happy hour, you often see morons trying to pick up someone while drinking. Some of these morons are married.

Sometimes, the individuals agree on what the problems are. Other times, a person may be extremely satisfied with a given item, only to find out that his or her partner is extremely dissatisfied with the same item. Rate yourself on these issues! I hope this is helpful.

In the following items, indicate the degree of satisfaction you feel for each of these aspects of your relationship.

	Extremely dissatisfied			Average	Extremely satisfied
1. Moral and religious beliefs and practices	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
2. My partner's job	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
3. How we communicate	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
4. My partner's attitudes about having children	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
5. How the house is kept	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
6. The amount of influence I have over the decisions we make	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
7. Our social life	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8. How open my partner is in communicating with me	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
9. Amount of money coming in	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
10. How we express affection for each other	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
11. How we raise children	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
12. How we manage our finances	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
13. Our sex life	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
14. How we fight	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
15. Our shared goals or interests	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
16. Our sexual compatibility	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
17. My partner's faithfulness	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
18. My faithfulness	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
19. The fun or excitement in our relationship	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
20. How my partner treats drugs or alcohol	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
21. Issues of equality	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
22. How parents or in-laws are treated	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
23. Time spent together	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
24. How often we talk about daily events	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
25. How much we watch TV or use the computer	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
26. Amount of time my partner listens to me	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
27. State of the American family	1	2	3	4	5	6	7

The emotionally intelligent husband: He has figured out how to honor his wife and convey his respect given we live in an egalitarian society where both work and she can achieve her own economic independence, irrespective of his. So why do women need men? For respect and understanding. This also applies to men. Same-sex respect and understanding is also critical, but opposite-sex interaction can be loving, nurturant, and soothing unlike touch of a man and woman who are bonded and sharing themselves. This sounds ideal, but often it is a reality. Think of a happily-married couples you know who has endured over the years.

The new husband devotes more time to child-care.

1. Research by John Gottman shows that a husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an outstanding father.
2. He is concerned with his children's world and knows all about their friends and their fears. Because he's not afraid of his emotions, he teaches his children to respect their own feelings and themselves. He turns off the football game for them too, because he wants them to remember him as having had time for them. 35% of newlywed husbands fall into this category.
3. He communicates with his wife by sharing good fortunes as well as setbacks and vulnerabilities.
4. A wimpy husband is one who is emotionally and communicatively unavailable. A strong, nurturing modern husband is one who influences his wife as well as the inverse. Unilateral or one-way influence in marriage is bad.

The old, patriarchical husband is a sad story: He responds to the loss of male entitlement with righteous indignation. He feels like an innocent victim.

1. He may become more authoritarian or withdraw, protecting what little he has left.
2. He does not give others very much honor and respect because he's engaged in a search for the honor and respect he thinks he is due.
3. He doesn't accept his wife's influence because he fears any loss of power.
4. Because he doesn't accept her influence, he will not have much influence himself. The consequence is that no one will care much about him or mourn him when he dies.

Wearing the pants was once the norm for husbands, but times have changed. The only effective approach for husbands is to embrace the change rather than to react with anger and hostility. In happily-married couples, the husband is willing to accept influence from his wife; in unhappy couples he isn't.

More than 80% of the time it's the wife who brings up problems even in happy marriages while the husband tries to avoid discussing them.

Avoid criticisms (complaints are fine), contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal. All these lead to divorce.

Your commitment to each other is going to be tested. Social-exchange theory says that the probability of a relationship continuing is a function of the rewards and costs given the comparison alternatives. Some of your costs are going to be time spent away, costs of phone calling, emotional detachment due to longing for her to be with you. Rewards are symbolic in terms of the history of the relationship, belief in commitment, and so on. Yet, comparison alternatives are meeting other people while away.

You will have to decide which is more rewarding and costly. There is research on strategies to maintain interpersonal relationships by Dan Canary and Laura Stafford. The communication is the relationship is an old saying of mine. The Beatles had a wonderful song called P.S. I Love You. They sing:

As I write this letter, send my love to you,
Remember that I'll always be in love with you
Treasure these few words till we're together
Keep all my love forever, P.S. I love you

You need to send e-mails as well as electronic greeting and musical cards. You choose your message, an inspiring image, and select a song that is played in the background while your partner reads the card. Another possibility is to send cassette tapes or occasional videotape in which you disclose how your day went and what you miss about your partner. I would send her an occasional bouquet of flowers simply indicating how you miss her and that perhaps, the flowers could bring sunshine in her life for a day in your absence. Research shows that the giving of spontaneous things maintains attraction and love for those who care about each other.

You can talk on the internet for free using electronic voicing. Some research shows the long-distance relationships are more likely to survive if the individuals have similar spiritual values. Of course this is true for face-to-face, intact couples as well.

This is going to be a crucial test of your bond, love, and commitment. There are two contradictory maxims operating here, ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER. Unfortunately, others are "OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND, WHILE THE CATS AWAY, THE MICE WILL PLAY."

Is there a way for you to attend her university or work in the community she is moving to? Perhaps, you could find a job nearer the university if you have already graduated.

I wish you both the best.

Not all nice guys finish last. Money, materialism, and power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. According to research discussed in Chapter 7 of my new book, Cognition, Communication, and Romantic Relationships, women desire men whom self-disclose. Yet, women sometimes consider a friend someone whom simply listens that they are not physically attracted to. The inverse is also true. Men, when they are little boys, are allowed to cry for 2 minutes and then told to get a grip. It is "sissy" to cry. I asked the following question on a test in my spring class on communication and relationships at LSU. How do men and women disclose? Are the men right? Why or why not?

Following is an answer from one of my students.

She wrote:

"I hear my male friends complaining of this often. Women are looking for someone to listen and men are often looking for someone to advise. Therefore, if a woman discloses and the man advises instead of simply listening, then he may turn her off in the future from disclosing." IT IS A DOUBLE STANDARD IN A WAY. Women want a man whom will disclose, yet she still wants him to be strong and supportive. It is hard for many men to find that balance. He has to be Superman and Clark Kent all in one. If a man discloses too early in the development of romance, he has shown his vulnerability. If he discloses late, he is seen as insensitive and emotionally out of touch.

Furthermore, I believe that women want a man who will disclose only after they have been through their "bad-boy phase." I think that women need to see that an insensitive man is only good for games; not a relationship. I'm not saying that it's right for girls to do that, just that they normally do. So to answer the question if the guys are right or wrong here is my conclusion: I think that if a girl is ready for a relationship then she appreciates a man who self-discloses like yourself and is nice. It's like many young women have to learn how a guy should not be in a relationship ("bad boy") to appreciate a guy who can maintain a relationship or a "guy."

Indeed, nice guys finish last. They are often used. It goes the other way around as well. Self-disclosure is a BOUTING BEHAVIOR. What this means is that it infrequently occurs, but when it does it occurs in short, quick bouts. For example, a person opens up about a problem that he or she is having.

The advice I give to you is contained in a classic song by Ringo Starr, With a Little Help From My Friends. Seek out support from true friends.

Recall that Ringo sang:

What would you think if I sang out of tune would you stand up and walk out on me? (Unfortunately, she walked out on you) Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song and I'll try not to sing out of key and oh I get by with a little help from my friends.

What do I do when my love is away does it worry you to be alone (You seem to be saying that it does worry you to be alone) How do I feel by the end of the day, are you sad because you're on your own No, I get by with a little help from my friends, Mm, I get high With a little help from my friends, mm, I gonna try with a little help from my friends.

Do you need anybody, I need somebody to love? (That's what you seem to be saying)

Good luck. Continue to be nice. In the end, you must live with your conscious and yourself. I empathize and totally understand what you feel. Believe me, I know.

The answer is NO! If anything, they may be more androgynous. Attachment theory states that the quality of the relationship between a mother and her son/daughter affects lifelong adult relationships. For men, if he talks bad about his mother behind her back, then this shows he is contemptuous of women. The way a man interacts with his mother symbolizes or forecasts the way he treats other women.

I conduct cross-cultural research in Japan and Thailand. These are collectivistic societies where the needs of family and others are FOREMOST important rather than the selfish needs of oneself. The individual is not as important as is a concern for others in collectivistic societies. DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU as the Golden Rules states. This is the essence of collectivism. LOVE OTHERS AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

Culture influences stereotypes of "masculinity" and "femininity."

Do you have siblings? What about birth order? Gender is learned through modeling the behavior of one's same-sex parent according to social-learning theory. Boys raised by single mothers in order to learn "male behavior" do the opposite of what their mothers desire (e.g., rebel or argue) in order to show independence or they model the behavior of some adult, male role model such as the mother's boyfriend, brother (uncle) or some male that they regularly observe.

Emily, I would need to know if your mother was androgynous, a feminine sex-type female following society's expectations, or a masculine female. The same questions pertain to your father.

I firmly believe that androgyny is the hallmark of good parenting and mental health. Research has supported this. Androgyny is where at certain times you can be masculine, independent, and competitive and at other times, you can be feminine, share concerns with others, and be cooperative. It depends on the situation and the androgynous person is flexible. Gender also gets mixed up because contradictory and hypocritical cues are sent. For example, women complain that their boyfriends don't confide in them or they aren't emotionally expressive. Yet, the same boyfriends were never reinforced as little boys to show emotion and cry. If they did, they were called "sissies." Later, when he is unemotional, their girlfriends are frustrated due to his lack of understanding and sensitivity. Yet, he was never rewarded through socialization as a little boy to show uncertainty because that is not "manly."

Janis, you are undergoing what is known as COGNITIVE DISSONANCE because the newfound flame is jealous of your long-term friend. In order to create satisfaction and harmony within yourself, you either have to change your opinion about your friend toward "not liking him or her" or end the relationship with the new love. You have what psychologist, Fritz Heider, refers to as an unbalanced state.

You have known your friend longer than the newfound flame. The flame is revealing his or her own insecurities by being jealous. The flame sees the friend as a rival. Research by John Gottman reveals that marriages that last have as a major component seeing their spouse as their best friend. I have an old saying, friendship and respect is necessary but not sufficient for long-term intimacy to occur.

Ask yourself what your long-term friend has done for you in times of need or crisis? What do you think the newfound flame would do? The friend has a track record. Listen to Elton John's song, Friends Never Say Goodbye.

There isn't much I haven't shared with you along the road
And through it all there'd always be tomorrow's episode
Suddenly that isn't true
There's another avenue beckoning the great divide
Ask no questions, take no side
Who's to say who's right or wrong
Whose course is braver run
Still we are, have always been will ever be, ask one.

What is done has been done for the best
Though the midst in my eyes might suggest
Just a little confusion about what I'll lose
But if I started over I know I would choose
The same joy the same sadness each step of the way
That fought me and taught me that friends never say goodbye.
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye…

Elton John's lyrics are telling you to go with your friend here. One way or another, you will relieve your cognitive dissonance.

I'm just kidding here, but a lot of individuals would immediately want to know if your friend is promiscuous. Research on infidelity by Joe Pittman has revealed that if the infidel marries the man or woman whom the affair was with; that the new marriage tends to end in divorce. How can you ever trust each other? This is subconsciously thought about a great deal. It's clear the man's marriage is psychologically dead. Yet, I need a lot more information in order to give a prudent opinion. Maybe his wife and him argue, don't share any communication, time, faith, and spirituality. Indeed, infidelity reflects only the tip of the iceberg for underlying individual and relational problems. Infidelity is correlated with chemical dependency, lack of religious beliefs, and not believing that your partner supports you emotionally, physically, and communicatively to just name a few. Indeed, the causes of infidelity are sometimes quite simple (e.g., My partner does not love me while person X does) as well as very complex (e.g. A person commits infidelity despite being trained that it is morally wrong, will hurt the children, harm their reputation in a small town, etcetera). Indeed, I love music and recall a classic song by Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band who is currently on a worldwide tour. The name of the song is Hungry Heart. I would show the song to your friend and tell her to listen to the song, The song goes as follows:

Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack
I went out for a ride and I never went back
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going

Everybody's got a hungry heart, everybody's got a hungry heart
Lay down your money and you play your part, everbody's got a hungry heart.

I met her in a Kingstown bar, we fell in love
I knew it had to end
WE TOOK WHAT WE HAD AND WE RIPPED IT APART
NOW HERE I AM DOWN IN KINGSTOWN AGAIN

Springsteen says how the fellow ripped his family apart by having the affair. Indeed, having an affair is indeed like taking a trip on the TITANIC particularly if there are children involved. This is recognized cross-culturally and considered a sacred covenant. In 1988, a colleague of mine, Dr. Ken Zagacki and myself did a small study at LSU where we surveyed individuals about what they would do if a friend of theirs was being cheated on or they were doing the cheating. A number of strategies were used. Some persons simply told their friends that they were being cheated on. Some people don't get involved because they don't want to be seen as meddling. Some persons used an indirect strategy where they knew the infidel was with the third party and gave information to their friend about it.

In order to answer this question with specific guidance, I need more information. For example, I don't know the relationship between you and your "friend," maybe they would see you as meddling. Assuming they don't, it sounds like your friend has low self-esteem which by the way is sometimes associated with being the third party.

I would be supportive of your friend and if you really believe she wants to hear your advicee and has enough trust in you as a friend, then you could tell her to think about the short and long-term consequences of being involved in an affair, let alone with multiple men. For everything there is a season, but then it's time to pay the pied-piper. If she continues this, then ultimately, she will reap what she sews. This maxim is so true. Springsteen's song is right to the point on this one.

There is research by Argyle and Henderson in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships on cross-cultural rules of friendship. Some of these apply here.
Rule 1: For women, send occasional e-mail friendship cards from places such as www.bluemountain.com.
Rule 2: Don't take friends for granted. A minimum of e-mail contact once every 17.3 days (just kidding!!) is sufficient.
Rule 3: Encourage your friend and tell her that friendship is often more emotionally passionate than so-called romantic attraction. Hence, the continuity of long-term friendships indicates loyalty which is highly valued.

Co-dependent relationships are referred to as CODA relationships. They can be defined as being dependent on another person to satisfy needs for control and affection in which satisfying those needs is affected by overlooking a partner's dependencies such as alcohol, drugs, or a high physical need such as always needing affection that may result in control or jealousy. Indeed, as Bono Hewson, the lead singer of U2 sings in the classic song, With or Without You, "You give yourself away and you give and you give, but I want more." The CODA word is over-used. For individuals who are very much in love, sharing a lot of time together is not seen as smothering each other. Yet, for unhappy relationships, a person who wants to be with his mate a lot of time is labeled as co-dependent. For every CODA relationship that is described in self-help groups, it is easy to think of an equivalent relationship that is happy except the persons aren't seen as CODA. The term has been so broadly applied, that it has lost it's meaning. For example, a person trying to save a relationship may be seen as CODA if the other person doesn't want to save it. Literally, co-dependency means have interdependent needs and meshing the needs together. By their very existence, couples who have been married for 50 years can be said to have had a CODA existence. If you start thinking about positive CODA relationships, then you can appreciate the sharing of 2 individuals.

Research reveals that marital happiness goes down at the birth of the first child, particularly for husbands because he "feels left out." Marital happiness tends not to rise until the children leave home and go off to school. The problem is that many men feel that love is a "zero-sum game" such that there is not enough to go around. The new mother is busy with the child perhaps even breast-feeding. Research shows that father's tend to play with their infants more while the mother still does most of the cleaning work, changing diapers, feeding and so on; though this has changed a little. The bottom line is that she's tired and may not have the energy to devote to him exclusively.

Having children does not produce marital happiness. However, it can enhance some commitment to the marriage because the husband and wife have produced an heir that unites them unlike childless couples. I have known many childless couples. Those who were successful had compatible mental temperaments, communication skills, and could always trust their partners with intimate information.

Yet, as I report in Chapter 1 of my upcoming book, Cognition, Communication, and Romantic Relationships, to be published by Lawrence Erlbaum next year, divorce is more likely to occur around the world among childless couples. Anthropologist Helen Fisher discusses how biochemical processes contribute to the development of romance. The brain's chemistry creates a heightened sense of excitement that we often describe as "falling in love." The brain physiology and chemistry associated with bonding evolved as part of our primordial mating system. Her research in different cultures has revealed that in societies allowing divorce, the most common length of marriage is four years. This time period conforms to the traditional period between successive human births. Fisher proposes that this four-year cycle is a pattern that evolved as a reproductive strategy to successfully raise a helpless child during infancy.

Aside from brain physiology, part of the reason for failed relationships is that the stability of contemporary relationships is contingent upon positive emotions being the "glue" for relationship bonding and the reason for a relationship to continue. Commitment to a relationship depends on the ebb and flow of levels of intimacy. However, such has not always been the case in this country. During the colonial period of the 18th century, intimacy was, at best, the result of the formal relationship rather than the cause of the romantic bond or marriage. Individuals were admonished to love their spouse even though physical assaults were common. Over time, affection became both the cause and cement of marriage.

Andrea, the best definition of communication I have ever encountered comes from one of my old mentors, John Gottman. Good communication can be defined as when the intent of a message by a person is congruent with the received impact of the message upon the relational or marital partner. For example, if I had a rough day practicing in my band and I was feeling negative, then when my relational partner asked me: How did the jam session go with the band? If I replied with sarcasm, "FINE, I only missed quarter note beats while drumming. IT WAS GREAT, as great as the Louisiana economy." I am being SARCASTIC. In good happy relationships, both partners know how to read and decode the NONVERBAL signals that each is sending to one another.

In unhappy relationships and marriages, the spouses are inaccurate in reading the NONVERBAL EMOTIONS of their partners. They tend to attribute more negative feelings. For example, if I give my partner some roses in an unhappy relationship, he/she may think I am trying to INGRATIATE them. Hence, positive intent is responded to as if it were negative and the person is being devious. You can't win for losing. Positive intent is seen as negative.

People in relationships have breakdowns in communication for many reasons. Among some of these are boredom, feeling misunderstood and not listened to. According to John Gottman's research, males tend to withdraw in the heat of arguing with their wives in order to control his physiological arousal so that he "doesn't lose it." When he loses it, he really loses it and it takes awhile for him to get back to a normal, rational self.

The FOUR COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS THAT predict divorce 94% of the time as well as ending personal, romantic relationships are: CRITICISMS, CONTEMPT, DEFENSIVENESS, and WITHDRAWAL.

Criticism occurs in terms of blaming statements and attacking a persons self-concept. "You are so lazy and a slob" as opposed to stating a criticism which creates less defensiveness. An example is, "I feel when you don't pick up after yourself that I am overwhelmed by all the work of having to clean up."

Contempt is signaled by sarcasm, rolling the eyes, and smirking. Contempt should be outlawed in interpersonal relationships according to Gottman. It is designed to put the partner in his/her place and make them feel worthless.

Defensiveness occurs when we feel our self-concept is being attacked. There may be a denial of responsibility for the problem, a counterblame, or a whine. We become defensive and justify our own actions. Indeed, whining is associated with defensiveness. Whining is characterized by a high nasal pitch. The person is saying, "It's not fair. Why are you picking on me? I didn't do anything wrong. I'm good." There is an "oh poor me" message behind the whine. Whining is very close to crying and related to sadness and depression. People who use "You always" statements are being defensive.

The last corrosive communication behavior is withdrawal or stonewalling. 85% of stonewallers are males. When females withdraw, the relationship is over according to Gottman.

I HAVE AN OLD SAYING THAT IS FAMOUS IN MY CLASSES: COMMUNICATION IS THE RELATIONSHIP. Males need to note this in particular.

Andrea, I hope you find someone who will listen to you, respect you, laugh with you, and ask about daily events in your life. Talking about daily events is critically important to the survival of long-term intimacy. The talk is the relationship.

According to the theory of symbolic interactionism, meanings are in people, not in words. We view ourselves depending on how we think that others view us. This is known as the look-glass self. Naba, there are 4 selves that have to do with self-awareness. Imagine information that is known to you or known to others. The open self is information known to you and others. Hence, in my department it is known that I play the Ludwig drums to class rock music and play in a band to relieve tension. Some people have a large open self. The blind self is information known to others, but not to you. So, if someone is saying things about you behind your back, that information is hidden or unknown to you.

The hidden self is information know to you but not to others. Hence, if I know that I really love to play drum music to the Irish group "U2" in particular the song, "Tripped to Your Wires" but I don't reveal that to my band members, that is hidden from them. I am spiritual, but I can not reveal that in many situations particularly in public lectures.

The unknown self is information that is not know to you or to others. An example is when a serious crisis occurs in the life of someone whom is important to you and then you exert leadership qualities and other capabilities that you had not shown before; well, this information is new to you as well as the significant other whom you have helped. The unknown self is prone to come out during a crisis in terms of how we react.

To increase self-awareness, you can be more introspective. Objective self-awareness occurs when you turn inward and begin to analyze yourself. You are the object you are focusing on, thus the term objective self-awareness. Conversely, subjective self-awareness occurs when you feel at one with the environment and you are not aware of yourself. The environment is the focus of attention.

You can selectively expose yourself to friends to support your self-esteem. There was a study done in which five graduate students set out to test the significance of the appraisal of others on our self-concept. They chose a girl in their class who they described as plain-looking and planned to respond to her as if she were the best looking girl on campus and to watch the effects of their responses on her. They drew lots to see who would be first to ask her out. After a few weeks, the girl began taking more care in her appearance-her hair was combed more often, she wore nicer clothing, etcetera.

So, she perceived the actual response of the men such that she had to change her self-concept, which in turn changed her behavior.

The perception of others' responses toward ourselves affects our self-concept which affects our behavior which in turn, affect the actual responses of others toward us. It's a closed system.

To increase your self-awareness, meditate as well as asking your friends how they see you in a variety of circumstances. Notice how your friends, verbally and nonverbally treat you.

In my gender and communication class the other day, we were discussing how men and women "fall in love." Research indicates that there is an acronym for men called FILOS, First In, Last Out. Men fall in love quicker than women do. Unfortunately, many Machiavellian men will say to a woman, "I love you" in order to get her in bed. My research on serial relationships indicates that the Don Juan's and Casanova's of the world are into sexual, physical relationships as opposed to spiritual, committed, and meaningful relationships. Many of the women in my class indicated that more guys were the FIRST ones to tell them that they love them. Women are more pragmatic when it comes to "falling in love." They separate groups of friends into discernible categories while for guys being in love often simply means being physically intimate with someone. This is not the case for women.

The acronym that applies to women is LIFOS that stands for Last In, First Out. Women end dating relationships more than guys do because if they mistake with a "bad guy," the costs for them are more substantial including pregnancy, being a single mother, being a victim of assault, and so on.

At this point, you can not get her back. Unfortunately, you are feeling what John Lennon talks about in his classic song with the Beatles, I'm A Loser.

The song goes:

I'm a loser, And I'm not what I appear to be
Of all the love I have won or lost, there is one love
I should never have crossed.
She was a girl in a million, my friend
I should have known she would win in the end.
I'm a loser and I lost someone who's near to me.

Although I laugh and I act like a clown
Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown
My tears are falling like rain from the sky
Is it for her or myself that I cry?
I'm a loser and I lost someone who's near to me.

What have I done to deserve such a fate?
I realize I have left it too late and so it's true
Pride comes before a fall, I'm telling you
So that you won't lose all.

This is what you feel. Lennon really sings with passion and intensity in this song. GO PLAY IT.

According to dialectical theory, all relationships are characterized by moments of utter contradiction. One person wants to be close, while the other wants his or her space. One person wants a stable routine while the other wants novel, new things. One person wants to make love, while the other doesn't and so on. CONTRADICTIONS are normal in relationships. It's how we deal with the contradictory needs at critical moments in time. Maybe, patience will grow on you.

The only thing you can do is to tell her that you care. Tell her you will be a friend if that is what she wants. Unfortunately, you need to be advised that "being friends" is often a euphemism for "the relationship is over." Often the dumper will say to the dumpee, "We can be friends." Often, that means that the dumper doesn't want to see you at all. Todd Rundgren had a famous rock song, Can We Still Be Friends? The answer is NO according to numerous research studies in various academic journals.

However, I am advising you to tell her that you will be her friend since she wants her space. You are giving her the space she wants. She may eventually call you. Yet, BE PREPARED for her never to call.

In the meantime, I would exercise, listen to nice music (e.g., the Beatles), do some creative activity, read, or talk to friends. When relationships end, women talk to other women. When relationships end for guys, there is often NO ONE that they feel they can talk to for fear of being seen as vulnerable and not masculine. I discuss this in my book that is now published by Lawrence Erlbaum.

I can empathize with what happened to you. We all have stories. Hang in there.

I was wondering if you could offer me any information or help on this topic or any suggestion you may have for other sources where I can obtain more information about this. Your help would be much appreciated. I got this idea from the movie When Harry Met Sally. Have you seen it?

I would love to help you Heather. Yes, I have seen the movie.

It is possible for boys and girls to be friends. About 35% of preschool best friends are between boys and girls according to psychologist John Gottman of the University of Washington. By age 7, this percentage plummets to zero. From then till puberty, the sexes will have little or nothing do with each other. This is a worldwide phenomenon. Psychologist Eleanor Maccoby of Stanford University found that at age one and a half, boys will accept influence only from other boys when they play, whereas girls will accept influence equally from girls or boys. At around ages 5 to 7, girls become fed up with this state of affairs and stop wanting to play with boys. From age 7 till puberty, the American culture offers no formal structure for ensuring that boys and girls continue to communicate. Then we are shell-shocked when boys and girls, after being separated for so long, are miraculously supposed to start dating with no problems. The hypocrisy of this is shameful.

I would look up at Amazon.com a book by my colleague, William Rawlins of Purdue University on friendship. He discusses platonic friendships between men and women across the lifespan.

Friendship components contain respect, doing activities together, not feeling judged, and trustworthiness.

Heather, you definitely need to get the following article by Heider Reeder in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

The citation is:
Reeder, H. M. (2000). "I like you as a friend': The role of attraction in cross-sex friendship. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17, 329-348.

You can pick this journal up at the LSU library. Try the following website: www.inpr.org. Click on the JSPR journal icon for the June 2000 issue. Look up the abstract under Heidi Reeder.

I am a drummer in my band and often cite song lyrics to illustrate a point. There is a song by Elton John called Friends.

Elton John sings:

I hope the day will be a lighter highway
For friends are found on every road
Can you ever think of any better way
For the lost and wear travelers to go?

Making friends for the world to see
Let the people know you got what you need
With a friend at hand you will see the light
If your friends are there then everything's all right

It seems to me a crime that we should age
These fragile times should never slip us by
A time you never can or shall erase
As friends together watch their childhood fly.

Heather, cross-sex friendship is based on trust, task, and social attraction. Task attraction is where you admire someone because of competence at some task. Social attraction is where you like someone. The last element of attraction is physical attraction. People who are opposite-sex friends sometimes do not stimulate us visually and hence, there is no physical attraction. It has jokingly been said that an opposite-sex friend is someone with a physical flaw that is unappealing but you enjoy talking to the person. Opposite-sex friendship is often a euphemism among older individuals for not desiring romance. I will be your friend, but not your lover is the message.

Feel free to contact me at LSU if you have further questions. There are numerous sources on friendship. Consult the work of Eleanor Maccoby and John Gottman on friendship.

I hope this helps, Heather.

The ideal age depends on what you are looking for. Are you looking for maturity, emotions, spirituality, intellect, sexual prowess, warmth, respect, or supportiveness to name just a few traits of human beings?

In one sense, I believe the late 20's is ideal. Unfortunately, for men, they emotionally mature slower than women. A 25-year old man is hung up on his testosterone and sees women as sex objects or genetic celebrities. A 35-year old man may (though not necessarily) have settled down a little and matured. Unfortunately, men start to lose their sex drives in their late 30's to mid-40's due to stress, horrible diets, and loss of stamina. More men need to run or exercise like I do. Pumping iron at the fitness center does nothing for the cardio-vascular system. I regularly run to control insulin-dependent diabetes and watch my diet.

While men are starting to lose their sex drives, many women in their mid-30's are starting to increase theirs. There is an article in Psychological Bulletin on this topic by Roy Baumeister.

The ideal age for you to marry is when you are emotionally secure with yourself. Many people do not love themselves; so how can they really love someone else.

I do pray that someday, if you want that you will find an emotionally intelligent man who is SPIRITUAL. I am very spiritual. Spiritual men are more mature. Children who are dying of a chronic illness (e.g., leukemia) at age 7 show great maturity and wisdom according to the work of psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The ideal age of marriage is when one is emotionally mature. Some persons never achieve that maturity while others achieve it earlier. People with chronic afflictions (e.g., diabetes) tend to achieve more emotional maturity and spirituality.

I hope you enjoy listening to music for relaxation as I do.

I can personally relate this to Warren. A nice guy listens. There is research by Beverly Fehr on the components of romantic love being closely associated with passionate love. In fact, one-third of so-called friendships in college involve being physically intimate occasionally. Yet, after the "act" happens, the relationships tend to intensify or deteriorate.

What I am about to advise, I really disdain, but it is worth the effort IF you do not mind getting moody, insecure, individuals whose emotions sway with the wind. WHAT ARE YOU SEEKING? A musical group called the Drifters once sang, I've been searchin, searchin, follow the sunrise searchin…. for love. Consider what you really want at your young age.

What I reluctantly advise based on clinical reports from some of my students and in counseling sessions is that you play hard to get. Drawn inward, draw your energy into yourself (e.g., drumming, meditation) such that you don't come across as too dependent on a woman's attention to you in order to be seen as desirable and attractive.

For young men who come across as fatherly types, I recommend shaving off any facial hair (which makes men look older). I need more information. You may be meeting women that already have boyfriends and are attracted to you, but act PLATONICALLY because they are attached. This happens everyday in life.

The next time that you encounter a woman who energizes you romantically and you perceive her as only wanting a deep friendship, ask her why over some coffee or a glass of red wine (if possible) that she sees you only as a "friend." Tell her you really value her friendship, trust, and camaraderie but that you feel that you are attracted to her more passionately. You may be rejected which males expect, but then nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Ultimately, in order to "break the mold" you are going to have to meet different types of women. It's hard in this goat-town to meet a wide variety of men and women without feeling ostracized because of the "good ol' boy network."

Persevere and endure. Be strong and diligent. You have no choice.

Because of the media images of bulimic female models, women of average weight tend to report lower self-esteem with their body image. They think they always need to lose more weight. Unfortunately, Louisiana has one of the highest obesity rates in the country. For example, San Diego ranks number one in terms of health consciousness while New Orleans ranks alongside Philadelphia way down the list.

Ideally, you should love someone for their inner soul, spirit, and integrity. Yet, when seeing strangers at a social gathering, we decide after 17 seconds if we want to even talk with them.

She has become a visual, sex object for him. What does he look like? Is he thin like I am or does he have a pot-belly? If it is the latter, he is a hypocritical, pretentious dog and is being hypocritical. He needs to watch everything he puts in his mouth. I don't know if hypocrisy describes him.

He is in love with his "schema" of a woman, not the real person for whom she is. He desires a slender woman. She may deviate from his expectation in the form of his schema. I discuss this in my new book that you should buy.

I understand your concern Emily. Encourage your friend. Have her read this. She should be valued for who she is, not for some fictitious image of an immature and emotionally unintelligent individual. She is probably very attractive both internally and externally. She should be valued for her self-worth. It's the guy in this case who is lacking in his self-worth. Women describe men like him as dogs. She should be concerned with her spiritual appearance in this case. Encourage her.

I hope this helps a little. There is no excuse for a person trying to control another person's will. This guy is a control freak. He needs some of his own medicine. He is obsessed with her weight and appearance because he is not much to be desired or at least, this is what he sounds like.

Encourage your friend.

I am totally in love with her and hope that she realizes what she has and comes back. Am I crazy for thinking that this will resolve itself and how long should I wait? As a rational person, I know what I feel and I find it hard to grasp the fact that she doesn't know what she feels. Is this normal?

First, men's speech is inst